


Delta Rain

by Neroli66



Series: Delta Rain verse [1]
Category: Firefly
Genre: F/M, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Original Character Death(s), rayne
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2005-10-24
Updated: 2005-10-24
Packaged: 2019-09-15 14:47:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 23,423
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16935252
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Neroli66/pseuds/Neroli66
Summary: Takes place shortly after the series ended. Another Jayne/River piece. What can I say, I can spend hours pondering the mysteries of what makes those two tick. I have not clue how long this one will be, or even where it is heading. I'm just hoping they continue taking me along on this journey for a spell.





	1. Chapter 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just a little romance for Jayne and River.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Many thanks to William Topley and The Blessing for their song "Delta Rain", it helped inspire this piece. River sings bits and pieces of it to Jayne. Beta'd in parts by [](https://cassiee.livejournal.com/profile)[](https://cassiee.livejournal.com/)**cassiee**
> 
> * Quote from Delta Rain, by The Blessing  
> ** Quote from Jane Eyre, by Charlotte Brontë
> 
> Chinese translations:  
> Ch 1) Wu de tyen ah: Dear God in heaven.  
> Ch 2) Hwoon dahn: Son of a bitch.  
> Ch 3) Swai: Handsome.  
> Ch 4) Lao-tyen boo: Oh, Lord!  
> Mei-mei: Sister

Jayne woke feeling hungry and groggy. Things had been a mite tense at dinner what with Mal and Inara fightin' an' all. The meal had ended with Inara leaving the table and Mal stormin' off after her refusing to let her have the last word. Man should just admit he was whipped an' be done with it.

What the hell were Zoë n' Wash doin' over there anyways, Jayne glared at the wall separating his bunk from theirs as the ruckus increased again. The two of them had been goin' at it as bad as Simon and Kaylee lately. Least those two had the excuse of it bein' new an' all, only been at it a couple'a weeks. Damn boat was turning into a gorram soap opera.

He'd gone to his bunk after dinner to try and get some sleep but Wash and Zoë were making that mighty hard to do. Already woken him up 3 times tonight. He sighed as he rolled off of the bed, might as well grab some grub and see if he could catch a few winks on the couch in the mess.

He idly noted that Kaylee's hatch was still open, meanin' she hadn't gone to her own bunk yet. Mal's was closed, but then it always was. Didn't mean he was in it. Jayne couldn't recall hearin' the Cap'n's boot steps so's he kinda doubted Mal had returned from Inara's shuttle yet. The thought made him smirk, maybe they was done with their little spat. One could only hope, though the idea of one more happy couple prancing around Serenity was a bit unsettlin'. Bad enough having to watch the others cooin' and cuddlin' all the ruttin' time.

He was about to step down into the mess when he heard a low moan in the corridor heading off to the side. He glanced sharply into the shadows. River. Of course. Just his luck. What was wrong with the ruttin' girl this time?

He was about to tell her to git when something about how she was standin' there made him stop. An' the way she was starting to pant.

He took a step nearer, gorram girl didn't even notice he was there. Jayne studied her face, hadn't never seen it like that before. All flushed with desire, but there weren't nobody touching her. He felt a cold sweat break out as realization started to set in. She was pickin' up on what Wash n' Zoë was doin'. Her body all tensed up, one hand pressed against the wall. He looked at her eyes then and his blood ran cold. She was feelin' Wash n' Zoë all right, but she didn't wanna be. There was this pained and trapped look haunting her eyes. He reached out and grabbed her arm.

"River" he growled, giving her a little shake. Didn't seem ta get through to her none, she just kept starin' off into space with that look in her eyes. So he shook her a little harder. All that got him was another husky moan and River's head tilting back. Like some unseen lover was kissing her neck. Ruttin' hell. He could feel the heat radiating off her. He should just leave her here, go back to his bunk and pretend he never seen this. Dimly he was aware that the part of him keepin' him here trying to break her out of this was the same part that was keepin' him from pulling her into his arms and kissin' that long, white neck himself.

"River" he said more sharply then before, a hint of panic creepin' into his voice. "snap outta it girl."

As her head rolled back up he watched his hand slap her check. Not as hard as that one time but...oh god, what had he done?

Her eyes latched onto his and she blinked, her big eyes filling with tears. Her hands reached for him, twisting into his shirt as she pulled herself to him. He could feel the sobs racking her body as she leaned against him. Ah hell, now what was he supposed ta do? He roughly patted her on the back.

"It's okay girl, you're gonna be all right, it's over now..." he tried extracting himself but that just seemed to make her cryin' more intense and she tightened her grip on his damp shirt. Gorramit, where the ruttin' hell was her brother when she needed him, but Jayne knew jus' where the Doc was. Or a pretty good idea where at least. Had the poor girl been feelin' them too? An' if 'Nara and the Cap'n...? Jayne was surprised to find his arms were now wrapped gently around her.

"not over...never be over..." River was gasping softly against his chest now, "one falls...another climbs...they drag me up but they leave when I fall...falling...always falling..."

"Wu de tyen ah" Jayne cursed softly. River suddenly giggled into his chest and some of the tension seemed to drain out of her. Her hands untangled from his shirt and for a moment Jayne thought she was going to let him go. Before he could step back her arms wrapped around his waist.

"please..." she pleaded, "catch me..." He felt his breath catch in his throat, a sharp pain in his chest.

"River," he cleared his throat slightly tryin' to ease the constriction. "girl, I ain't the kind of man you want catchin' you."

 _"...shake your hair out and come and dance with me, we are lonely with no good need to be, where the river grows wild to kiss the sea, floods the delta and lover's eyes can see..."_ * River sang softly.

She turned her tear streaked face up to him, smiling sadly. He stared down at her, wonderin' if he'd heard her words right. This whole thing was starting to feel like a dream. Like he hadn't woken up at all.

With another sad smile she shook her head and took a deep breath, her face setting in determination. Slowly she let him go and moved back a pace. Jayne fought the urge to pull her back to him when she gasped. He'd seen the flash of pain as she'd stepped out of his space. Like he'd been shielding her before but now she was steppin' back into the line of fire an' had just been hit. Her jaw clenched tight to hold back a moan and she swayed slightly, her lips parting as that lustful look settled back on her face. Gorram girl.

Jayne scooped her up and carried her into the mess trying very hard not to think about why he was doin' it. Or about the long line of her neck or the sound of her moans or how smooth her pale naked skin had looked when he'd first seen her or her soft lips or that bit she'd sung about rivers growin' wide and kissin' seas and lover's eyes. He was too old for her, might be legal now but she sure as hell hadn't been when she'd come outta that box, she was crazy an' scared the livin' hell outta him, he'd been all kinds of mean to her, she could kill him with her brain and read his thoughts, he'd betrayed her, she'd sliced him up...

"no..." she fidgeted in his arms "wasn't you...shirt..." her hands twisted into his shirt again, right over where she'd cut him. He stopped and looked down at her.

"You was attacking the shirt?" his face screwed up in puzzlement, his mind latching onto what she said like it was a lifeline.

"yes..." she replied, relief flooding her face. "two by two, hands of blue..." she gave the shirt he had on now a tug.

Jayne scowled down at her trying to figure out what her gorram nursery rhyme had to do with cutting his shirt. She sighed in frustration.

"two by two, hands of blue..." another tug and Jayne felt it snap into place, he'd been wearin' his favorite Blue Sun shirt. She'd sliced right through the logo, an' all this time he'd thought she'd sliced him cause she'd known he was goin' to betray them. Well, maybe not the whole time, first thought was that she was crazy 'n homicidal, plain an' simple.

"Blue Sun?" he asked, not sure he had it right yet. "they have somethin' to do with that school of yours?"

"I thought that school was Alliance funded, that was what your brother said." he said after she'd nodded yes up at him.

"shadows behind the Alliance...dark and blue...cold...like ice..." River's voice had that strange sing-songy lilt to it again, "sun should be warm but it freezes..."

"You tell Simon this?" Jayne wasn't sure if this knowledge would help the Doc figure out what had been done to his sister, but it was sure soundin' like they had all been trying to protect her from the wrong enemy.

"tried to...didn't understand...always comes out wrong..." her voice sounded sad and tired as she buried her face into his shoulder, her fingers smoothing the wet, wrinkled shirt over his chest. Jayne sat down heavily in the nearest chair. Gorramit, they had all missed the signs. His mind went back over all her little outbursts finding way more connections to Blue Sun labels then was comfortable. Shoulda paid more mind to what was goin' on around her when she'd gone off, all of 'em.

"You should let him an' Mal know." Jayne said softly. He felt her tense up again. She was quiet for so long Jayne thought she wasn't going to respond.

"Will you help?" she asked, her voice barely a whisper.

"Yea, should prob'ly wait till mornin' though," Jayne was starting to feel way to tired to deal with this tonight. "we ought'ta try and get some sleep."

He'd meant to shuffle her off to her bunk but from the way River snuggled into his chest it was pretty clear she meant to spend the night right there. Ah hell, weren't like he'd get any sleep in his bunk tonight anyways. An' River seemed to already be gone, poor kid had had a rough night. Hell, he'd had a rough night too. He shifted a bit to get as comfortable as he could, careful not to disturb her to much. He had just enough time to remember he'd never gotten his snack and lament the lack of a blanket before he drifted off after her.

********************************

Mal paused to stretch, his gaze following Inara as she headed toward the mess. Part of him still in shock that after he'd run out of insults to fling at her last night and pulled her roughly into his arms she'd kissed him. Might be that he never got over being shocked at that.

All these months of her saying she was goin' to leave soon as they got to a decent port. 'Course, he'd made damn sure they got no where's near one. She'd known what he was doing, had called him on it a million times. But then, she'd been mighty picky about what she considered a decent port. Hadn't been anything stopping her from finding other transport to someplace decent neither. He hadn't been the only one lookin' to find ways to keep her on Serenity.

Still a lot of things to work out between them, but for the first time he had some hope they might actually try. With a slight smile curling his lip he followed Inara into the mess.

"Whoa there...'Nara?" he'd near 'bout run into her. What was she staring at?

Mal glanced over Inara's head to see what had made her stop and saw Jayne sitting there, head thrown back and snorin' like a freight train with River curled up in his lap.

"Hwoon dahn" he spat out, his good mood evaporating in an instant.

"Mal, wait" Inara's voice cut through his rage enough to make him stop and look at her. "We don't know what is going on here." How can she sound so calm about this. Jayne, holding River? He'd known Jayne too long to think this was as innocent as 'Nara seemed to. He glanced back over at the two and straight into River's solemn gaze.

"no touching..." she said firmly and Mal found himself wondering if she meant to tell him that her and Jayne hadn't touched in the way he was thinkin' or that he had better not touch Jayne and toss him out the airlock. Her giggle did nothing to clear the confusion. She looked even more fragile and delicate then usual sitting there. Gracefully she pushed herself up with the tiny hand she had on Jayne's chest and whispered.

"Jayne, time to wake..." and the big man snorted and stirred under her, giving a groan as he tried to lift his head.

"Gorramit" he muttered as his hand went to the back of his neck to try and work out the knot there. It was downright unsettlin' how he'd woken at her command like that.

"Someone mind tellin' me what the ruttin' hell is going on here?" Mal was rather pleased at how calm he sounded considerin' what he really wanted to do was wring Jayne's neck.

Jayne looked over at him with a wary look in his eyes. River, however, seemed more interested in climbing over Jayne like a monkey. Mal watched dumbfounded as she wedged herself behind Jayne and pushed at him to get him to scoot forward in the chair. The big man seemed to think she wanted him to get up at first, till those tiny hands tugged on the back of his shirt guiding him to sit on the edge instead.

"Mornin' Mal," he sounded like he expected Mal to shoot him, guess he wasn't as dumb as he looked, then he nodded to Inara, "mornin' 'Nara"

"Good morning Jayne, sleep well?" Inara chuckled and Mal followed her gaze to River, who was now happily massaging Jayne's neck.

Mal wondered if he'd woken up in the right 'verse this morning.

"No," Jayne grumbled, "feels like I slept all night with my head hangin' off the back of a chair." Inara laughed and went over to start the coffee.

"Captain here, waitin' on that explanation." Mal glared at Jayne. Was that an accusing look in Jayne's eye?

"Girl had a bad night, everyone else was...busy," Jayne gave him that accusing look again, then gestured vaguely at the chair, "an' then we jus' sorta fell asleep, that's all."

"wasn't all..." River protested from behind him, "tell him..." Mal watched as Jayne twisted around to look at River, a puzzled look on his face. Then he seemed to remember something.

"Oh, right," he said "forgot 'bout the Blue Sun thing, sorry girl." and he smiled at her relieved look. Jayne, smiling at River. This was all kinds of not right.

"Mal, ya remember when River slashed me with that knife?" Jayne was looking up at him like an excited schoolboy now.

"Not like to forget, way you keep remindin' us all." Mal drawled back, wonderin' at Jayne's total lack of malice. Normally when he brought this up he was looking for sympathy or tryin' to remind him how dangerous River was.

"Well," he continued, "turns out she was attacking the shirt I was wearin'. It was my Blue Sun one. She told me that they was behind that school she went to. She said they was behind the Alliance somehow, not quite sure what it's all 'bout. But that creepy ass sayin' she has, ya know, "two by two, hands of blue", that's 'bout them."

And Mal heard Wash's voice describing to him the "reinforcements" that had show up on Ariel. Two of them getting off the ship, wearing dark suits and blue gloves on their hands. He'd filed it away with Wash's geese juggling story.

"Huh..."

********************************

River sat on the catwalk outside Inara's shuttle, swinging her legs back and forth while she watched Jayne cleaning the deck below. He had been working out a while ago but had decided it was better to find another way to keep himself occupied. She knew it made him uncomfortable that she was up here watching him, but there wasn't much else to do and she was enjoying it. Besides, he could have gone and cleaned any of the other decks had he really wanted to get away from her.

She let her mind drift over the last couple of hours. Mal had called a meeting and most of the morning had been spent trying to figure out what her revelations to Jayne the night before meant. Inara and Book where in her shuttle looking for any info on Blue Sun that might help. They weren't going to find it on the Cortex but it gave them something to do. Simon was going back over his notes trying to match up old patterns with the new information. Kaylee was working on the engine and Mal, Zoë and Wash were trying to figure out which planets had the strongest Blue Sun presence so they could add them to the "planets to be avoided because of River" stack. Thankfully most of them were already there because they were Core planets or Alliance friendly.

Which left her and Jayne with not much of anything useful to do. She was used to it but Jayne was feeling restless.

Neither of them had told what had started the whole thing. When Simon had asked Jayne had mumbled something about her seeming to be having a flashback to the Academy. Which started a flood of questions about what her supposed flashback had been about from Simon, but she gave him her standard "can't remember" line and that was that. She understood why Jayne had lied, none of the couples on board would be able to deal with knowing that she felt everything they did. She wondered how Jayne would feel once he realized that included him and the things he did in his bunk alone. Really, Book was the only one who had never invaded her thoughts in that way.

It didn't happen all the time, there were so many thoughts and feelings floating around that she could usually keep her mind occupied till they were done. It wasn't the same as being able to push the thoughts and feelings away, not the same as being able to shut them off like she used to be able to do, but it worked most of the time. Once she had gotten the hang of it. If one train of thought was too disturbing just jump on to another. Only, sometimes they caught her unaware and she couldn't jump in time, and it was the hardest with Simon. They were so close and his feelings for Kaylee so strong...and it hurt just a bit that she was no longer his focus. Even though she was happy for him. And sometimes the feelings were simply too strong to ignore.

Last night it had been all 3 couples at once. She wondered if that had been random or if she was starting to act as an amplifier and what she picked up from one couple was being transmitted to the next starting a chain reaction. She already knew she could influence others, she'd done it twice to Jayne now. Once to keep him sleeping while Early was on board and then again this morning to wake him up. It had never occurred to her to try it on anyone else though so she wasn't sure it would work as well on them. Jayne's mind was different then the others. Open and receptive, strong. Like most on the crew he had his own measure of abilities.

She liked how his brain worked. It was the most straight forward one on board unless you counted Kaylee. Kaylee's was all sunshine though and as nice as it felt pouring down from Kaylee she didn't think she was strong enough to look straight into her. Jayne's was darker, not as dark as Mal's, nor as complex. Mal's was dark and cold where as Jayne's was dark and warm, space dark verses earth dark. She was like Mal, space dark. But being in Jayne's mind was like being in a burrow, warm and dark and solid around her. She felt grounded there. The giggle bubbled up and she let it pour out.

She waved at him as he glanced up at her. He shouldn't scowl so much, he was much more swai when he smiled.

He worried too much about numbers. Age meant nothing. Not really. It was just a human way of understanding time, but breaking time into handy little bits was pointless. True, in most cases a higher number meant more accumulated experiences. But there were exceptions to that. She was one. Not that she hadn't missed things that most girls her age should have had, like dates and kisses. Things Kaylee had plenty of by the time she was her age. However, Kaylee was older and had felt nothing of being tortured or having her brain shattered. Worst thing Kaylee had felt was a bullet in the gut, but she knew of the other things, even if she had not felt them. River had felt kisses and caresses and everything else involved in sex, even if she had never felt it for herself. So which one of them could be said to be more experienced? Didn't really matter, they were different, but not necessarily unequal.

It was true she was sometimes childlike, but then, so was Jayne. Most would not call his reaction to being teased about his name being a girls as being "mature". She smiled slightly and wondered just what his "man parts" looked like. For some reason she never got anything visual from him during those times, it was all feeling. If she ever did get to touch Jayne she knew just how to make him quiver.

He was looking up at her again, scowling. Guess that chuckle had not just been in her head after all.

Her eyes drifted shut as he turned away muttering "Gorram girl". It was nice the way his voice was changing, less hard now then it had been yesterday, more husky. Like it was turning into an endearment. She savored the fluttery feeling in the pit of her stomach. Wasn't time yet, he needed to come to terms with her a little more, she wanted to enjoy the flush of first awareness for a while longer. He was not a man that dealt easily with emotions. None of the men on Serenity did...except Wash.

In many ways she was all emotion, it was just that most of them were not her own. Maybe that was why Jayne was becoming so important to her, with him she always felt. The others feelings were still there, but she actually felt something of her own. Something other then fear. Some new emotion she had never felt before that while it was tied to him did not come from him. And he drove away the one emotion she was used to feeling, fear...and that was odd. When had she started feeling so safe around him? Didn't matter, he would never hurt her now, for all his bluster. Had been that way for a while. Had crept up on them, unaware.

Last night had just ripped the veils away. Left them both exposed.

If she was all emotion then he was all physical. They both felt, but he felt with touch. She wondered that her and Simon had both ended up being attracted to people who were so physically demonstrative. Hugging had never been big in the Tam household...might mess up Mother's fancy dress, put a wrinkle in Father's nicely pressed shirt. Kisses were placed a quarter of an inch from the cheek. Even her and Simon had not hugged often, and it had always been a quick, light thing...except for when she had gone off to the Academy. She had clung to him then in some nameless need to hold onto something solid. Until he had pushed her away, all uncomfortable with his little sisters unseemly display of affection in front of strangers. Little had they known the strangers were their parents.

He had hugged her more times since they arrived on Serenity then he had in the 14 years of her childhood.

And she had spent an entire night wrapped in Jayne's arms, then rubbed the knot out of his neck because she had needed more. His pain had bothered her, but that had not been why she had done it. She had given massages before, usually to the other students in her dance classes when they had a muscle cramp. It had always been a means to work the soreness out, never a means to provide physical contact before. But then, none of her fellow dance students were Jayne.

So here she was starting to feel, emotionally and physically, and reveling in it...while Jayne was starting to feel and fighting it. Even the physical that he normally was so comfortable with.

She wiped the tear away as Inara and Book came out of the shuttle to head down to dinner.

********************************

"Did you see the way she was hanging on to that ape all night?" Simon felt the rage he'd been holding in check all day boil up to the surface. "She spent all day watching him in the cargo bay as well, just sitting there watching him. Every time I went to check on her she was just...watching...him."

He looked over at Kaylee, sure that she'd be able to understand how wrong it was that his sister was showing such an obsession with Jayne. Only she was chewing on her lower lip with a puzzled look on her sweet face.

"Is it really so surprisin'?" she asked him. "I mean, ain't like there are a lot of choices for her to get her first crush on..."

"Kaylee" he was shocked at her comment. "...but Jayne? He's..he's mean and crude and...stupid." Simon wanted to tell her about what Jayne had done on Ariel, but he just couldn't bring himself to. She was so trusting of people and he never wanted to be the one that ripped that away, not even her trust of Jayne.

"Jus' 'cause someone ain't got the schoolin' you do don't mean they're stupid, Simon." Now she was looking at him with that annoyed/hurt look she got when she felt he was being an ass. This was not going well. He'd thought she'd understand. And why did River have to get a crush on anyone, and if she did then why not Mal...or Wash...someone, anyone other then Jayne. He rubbed the bridge of his nose trying to ease the headache he felt building and sighed.

"I know Kaylee...and I'm sorry it sounded like that, but it isn't just a lack of schooling. The man is clueless when it comes to being a decent human being. You know how many times he's tried to get us thrown off Serenity. How he is always calling her moon brained. It just doesn't make any sense that she'd act this way."

Kaylee chuckled. "Well now, I think it makes perfect sense. He ain't bad lookin'. He's strong an' can protect her. An' it's not like she was really hangin' on him you know, jus' sittin' next to him and lookin' at him a lot. Book ain't an option any girl would choose, Zoë wouldn't let nothin' happen with Wash, Mal only got eyes for Serenity and 'Nara, you're her brother so that's plain out of the question...who else it gonna be? 'Sides, he did figure out that Blue Hands thing. Sure that ain't what's really buggin' ya?"

And that was a part of it, he had not been able to understand River's ramblings and Jayne had. But that whole protecting thing Kaylee thought Jayne would be so good at...Simon just didn't see it happening. If River ever got in a tight spot with only Jayne to get her out she'd be dead or back at the Academy and he'd be alone. Well, maybe not alone. He looked at Kaylee in wonder, he still wasn't sure why she'd picked him. In so many ways Jayne seemed the more obvious choice for her.

"Why didn't you and Jayne ever hook up?" Lao-tyen boo, had he really just asked her that? Out loud? He was not sure he wanted to hear this.

She burst out laughing. She was laughing so hard he could see tears forming in her eyes.

"Jayne? An' me?" she finally managed to squeeze out the words. "that'd be like you an' River hooking up. Me an' Jayne are more like brother an' sister then that kinda thing." She brushed the tears off her cheeks, still giggling at the thought. Simon felt the knot in his chest loosen slightly, calmed that at least he didn't need to fear that anymore.

"You are right about me being bothered by his understanding her when I couldn't." he told her softly. "It's not the only thing bothering me about this but it is there."

"I know Sweetie...you've been tryin' so hard ta fix her..." Kaylee's voice trailed off as River's scream pierced the air. Simon flew off the couch and headed towards her room. Part of him noting with relief and concern that it had only been one scream this time.

"Mei-mei, hush, it's okay, I'm here..." he whispered the usual comments to her as he took in the sight of her sitting there with her arms wrapped around her legs, rocking back and forth, sobbing. He sat on the edge of the bed and put his arms around her. He looked up at Kaylee's worried face and gave her a half shrug. He had no more idea what was wrong this time then he ever did.

It took him almost an hour to calm her down enough to fall back asleep. He wasn't sure he'd ever sleep again though. The only words he'd been able to make out between her sobs had been "poor Jayne". He felt more drained then ever before as he headed back out to the common area and Kaylee's healing presence.

"She doin' all right?" she asked, even after all these times she still asked him that when he returned from River's room.

He sighed and said wearily, "I think so...she had some kind of nightmare about Jayne...near as I can tell. She kept saying "poor Jayne" over and over." his brow creased as he continued. "I just don't know what to think anymore. She was so distraught over what ever it was...like something very bad is going to happen to him."

"Ya think she saw somethin' that hasn't happened yet?" Kaylee asked.

"Yes, actually, I do...if it was something happening right now I don't think I could have kept her in that room. Much less gotten her back to sleep." Simon did not want his sister to be a reader, or have any psychic abilities at all, but it was getting harder not to consider it. Kaylee scooted over and snuggled close. It constantly amazed him how she made everything feel better just by being there.

"What in the 'verse did I do to deserve you?" he asked her with a soft smile.

"Hmm...nothin'?" she giggled up at him. "but don't you worry none, I'll think up somethin' you can do to deserve me."

Yes, there was defiantly something about this place he was glad of. He just hoped that she knew how glad of her he was.

********************************

She crept quietly down the hall, Simon and Kaylee had just gone to bed. Simon's again tonight. She had lost so much time waiting for him to check on her one last time before he let himself be pulled completely under Kaylee's spell.

She was unsure what she was going to do when she reached Jayne, she just knew she needed to be near him. Comfort him. It was hopeless, she was too cold to give comfort, but she had to try. For Jayne's sake. She had promised. She just hoped he wouldn't fear and hate her again after this. She wasn't sure she would survive if he did.

She slipped up the stairs and headed for the crew quarters. Glad that the Captain was not roaming tonight. Quietly she unlocked the hatch to Jayne's bunk and slid down the ladder, pausing a moment to let her eyes adjust to the dim light. Then she moved stealthily towards him. Her eyes studied the pictures he had taped above his guns, were these his idea of beauty? They were very different from her, mostly blonde and all very buxom.

With a sigh she let her gaze drift down to his sleeping form. His face peaceful, she felt a pang at the knowledge that he would so soon lose that peace. And at her own words no less, perhaps she could wait till other's words reached him. Perhaps she did not need to be the bearer of this burden. The other words would get here soon enough, and it was certainly better for her not to be the one to speak them. Perhaps he would not understand anyway, perhaps they would come out so jumbled that he could not decipher them. Her visions usually did...but she knew better then to hope for that. Words tended to come out clearer when she was near him. And she had promised.

She climbed lightly onto him, straddling his slumbering body. Her hand moved over his heart. She could feel the heat of him under her fingertips. As her hand pressed against his chest she felt his heartbeat drumming against her palm. She closed her eyes, allowing herself a moment of time to enjoy just touching him. His heartbeat solid under her. His chest raising her hand up gently with each breath. She knew he was drifting up from sleep, his heartbeat and breathing shifting slightly as he slowly became aware of her presence.

She felt the threads between them, binding them. Threads that were attached with little hooks into each of them. The oldest was from when she had cut him, drawing blood, then the one from when he had hit her, also drawing blood. She wondered why it had taken so long to see the threads formed by that blood pact, they were clear now, in the dark...silvery threads. Each encounter between them, every confrontation after that, had added one more slim line from one hooking into the other. It reminded her of Rochester's words to Jane.

 _"Because I sometimes have a queer feeling with regard to you - especially when you are near me, as now; it is as if I had a string somewhere under my left ribs, tightly and inextricably knotted to a similar string situated in the corresponding quarter of your little frame. And if that boisterous channel, and two hundred miles or so of land come between us, I am afraid that cord of communion will be snapt; and then I've a nervous notion I should take to bleeding inwardly. As for you, - you'd forget me."_ **

The sound of her voice hovered in the air between them.

"River?" his voice was heavy with sleep, part of him sure he was dreaming.

Her fingertips floated up to his mouth. "shhh...it's all right..." they brushed lightly across his lips, feeling wonder at such softness being there.

She nearly cried out as her barest touch snapped the bonds of sleep and he became fully awake. The hand that had been lifting to caress her arm now closing over her flesh like a vise.

"What the ruttin' hell ya doin' in my bunk," he growled up at her, half rising up onto his other elbow. "ya ain't got no right ta be here."

Tears stung her eyes as his words cut into her. How could he deny what was between them so easily?

"I...I needed to see you...", her voice felt trapped inside her throat, "needed to tell you..."

"Tell me what?" his face suspicious. She gazed back in anguish, unable to get any more out.

"Spit it out girl, then git the hell out." his face was hard with anger now, and pain. She felt it in him, knew she was causing it. Suddenly aware that his harshness was because he was scared how much he wanted her to be here, scared of that brief flare of contentment when he'd first woken to her gentle touch. She clung to that knowledge and forced the words to come. Her hand moved back over his chest and fluttered there for a moment before pressing back over his heart.

"sorry...so sorry..." she whispered, "been an accident...she's gone away..." she felt the tears again as the pain of remembering engulfed her. "wanted me to tell you...she loves you..."

"What you babblin' about," he was looking at her with confusion and fear, "who loves me? What accident?"

"Mother..." she whimpered as the hand on her arm tightened, she felt the tiny blood vessels break under his fingers, "promised her I'd tell you...tell you she had to leave...hurt to much to stay...she loves you..."

She felt the shock move through him, wiping him clean of emotions. Desperately she wished he'd let go enough for her to wrap him in her arms. Before the pain hit. But he didn't, so all she could do was gaze back at him and keep her hand pressed to him. She hoped it was enough to keep his heart from breaking.

His mother was his tenderness. She had only been clinging to the broken thread of her life out of fear for Jayne. Afraid to leave him alone with no one to love him. Until River had been pulled to her, had seen the accident in all it's horror, had promised to let Jayne know she loved him, had promised she'd be there to comfort him, had promised he was not alone.

Only she was afraid that what was growing between her and Jayne would not survive this. It was too soon for it to be tested this way. She also knew that she had no choice but to do this for his Mother, she loved him to much not too. Even if it meant he would never come to love her. He needed her, needed to hear his mother's message. She could sense the shock wearing off and the pain and anger start to build, knew it was time to finish the promise. She felt her hand leave his chest and move up to cup his face.

This was the part she dreaded the most, but she braced herself and let the memories flood back into her mind. Gently she eased into his mind and released them...all the love of his mother flowing through her to him. It was all mixed in with the pain she had been under...but it still flowed clean and pure. River was not sure how many of the images he received, but she knew he perceived the emotions. He was starting to cry...overwhelmed.

She shifted off him as his finally let go of her arm, felt the stab of panic as he thought she was leaving. She guided his head down onto her shoulder as she lay next to him. Felt him curl into her side like a child. It struck her how odd they must look, the largest human mass on the ship curled up next to the smallest.

She held him gently, murmuring softly to him, as he cried himself back to sleep.

 _"do you remember how we held each other tight in sorrow...does it haunt you still?...and in a single raindrop I can see all our tomorrows....baby, can't you too?"_ * she heard herself singing the song that had been floating in her head since last night again...such a beautiful, sad melody.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jayne goes home and he and River become closer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Many thanks to William Topley and The Blessing for their song "Delta Rain", it helped inspire this piece. River sings bits and pieces of it to Jayne. Beta'd in parts by [](https://cassiee.livejournal.com/profile)[](https://cassiee.livejournal.com/)**cassiee**
> 
> * Quote from Delta Rain, by The Blessing
> 
> Chinese translations:  
> Ch 7) Hwoon dahn: Son of a bitch  
> Ch 8) Mei-mei: Sister  
> Ch 10) Wang bao dahn: Dirty bastard

**A Week Later:**

Jayne couldn't remember having a worse gorram week. The wave from Matty'd come two days after River'd come ta see him in his bunk. Two days of hopin' and prayin' she couldn't have known. Two days of endurin' trying to act normal so's none of the others'd know. Not that they couldn't tell somethin' was up from the way River hovered over him all the ruttin' time. And Simon'd been actin' mighty strange towards him too. Kept tryin' to drag him in for a check up. Part of him had wondered if River'd told him, but she hadn't.

If anything it'd gotten worse after they found out. Hell, even Mal kept lookin' at him all sympathetic like. Hadn't even groused at him none about makin' the trip ta Liberty an' it's moons. He snickered slightly at what Mal's expression had been though, when he'd learned that was where he grew up, Liberty's second moon. No one'd ever bothered namin' the two moons, fortunate considerin' how Liberty herself was so ill named. Had one of the strongest Alliance ties of any of the rim planets and one of the few that hadn't supported the Independents. On the moons they'd felt a mite different but he weren't 'bout to tell Mal that.

Anyways, he'd left it behind long before the war'd started. Hadn't never set foot on it again. Never thought he would, neither. He hoped things'd been long enough ago that it wasn't gonna cause problems. But hopin' hadn't been workin' to well for him lately. He let himself down onto the cargo hold floor with a soft thud, done with his last rep of pull ups. Nothin'd been workin' well for him lately, nothing at all. He glared over at River, she was sittin' on his weight bench.

"sorry...had to leave before you woke..." she said softly, readin' his damn mind again. "Cap'n and Simon would have killed you if they had caught me there..."

He pushed back the sharp pain he felt every time he remembered wakin' to find her gone, just the faint hint of lavender the only sign she'd even been there. That and the grit in his eyes from cryin' himself ta sleep. It bugged him no end that she'd seen him all weak like that, or maybe the part that bugged him was that he didn't mind so much. Hell if he knew anymore. Ruttin' girl was makin' his brain all soft. Makin' him want things he had no right ta want. Had never wanted. With a grunt in her direction he headed off to grab a shower before they landed.

He felt a mite better after his shower, he'd managed to keep most of the memories away. Had only cried a little bit too. He still couldn't believe she was gone. Felt like he had a big gapin' hole in his chest now. Ma'd been the only one that'd believed in him, everyone else figured he'd never amount ta much, even Pa. Well, Ma and Timmie really, but Timmie'd been gone a long time now. With a sigh he pushed that memory back too, weren't no time for it now. Be time enough when he went to visit the graves.

He headed up to the cockpit to see how close they was. He'd need to let Wash know where the farm was, they was gonna set down in one of the fields. Matty'd said the crops'd failed again this year so's it wouldn't do no harm.

"How close are we?" he asked Wash.

"'Bout 10 minutes out yet." It was gettin' mighty old having the little man look at him like that.

He was glad Wash'd be goin' with Mal and Zoë to Liberty tomorrow to see if they could unload the cargo there. They'd meant to look for a new contact on Persephone, but well, thing's'd changed. In a way that part might work out for the best, give them a little more time 'fore they pissed Badger off by takin' their business elsewhere. He'd feel better goin' with them though, Mal an' Zoë on an Alliance friendly planet without him ta watch their backs jus' seemed like askin' for trouble. An' Book was stayin' on the moon as well, to give him comfort no doubt. He'd feel a hell of a lot more comforted if'n he'd go with the others. Preacher had a knack for keepin' Mal out of trouble, or gettin' him out if it came to that. But it had been decided, bright an' early Serenity was headin' to Liberty and Book, Inara, River, Simon an' him would stay on at the farm.

He was so looking forward to this.

He glanced over at River as she slide through the door. Gorram girl. He'd tried ignorin' her, yellin' at her, insultin' her and her brother...but still she kept haunting him. Guess he should be glad it'd taken her this long to follow him up here. An' at least she hadn't takin' to followin' him into the shower yet, no more late night visits to his bunk neither. Though he had learned she had no qualms 'bout followin' him there durin' the day. After that second time he'd decided it was best ta jus' put up with her an' not try hidin', didn't do him no good anyhow, an' it jus' made Mal ornery.

"We there yet, Wash?" he asked impatiently.

"As you can see by the big, shiney moon in front of us we are making our final approach." Wash looked over at him, chucklin' as he caught sight of River standin' behind him. Did the little man have to find this so ruttin' hi-larious?

"'Bout damn time," he grumbled irritably. He moved so's he could get a better view as Wash flew over the main town.

"Ya know, actual co-ordinates would be helpful." Wash said in that mock-pleasant way of his.

"Ain't like we ever had a ship parked in the backyard 'fore, little man." Jayne snarled back at him.

"Just saying..." Wash replied with a smirk.

"There" River pointed as Wash flew over the house. "pay attention Jayne...now we missed it..." she smacked into his shoulder as Wash banked hard, tossing them both onto the floor in a heap.

"Oops, sorry River" the evil little man smiled, "I was trying to get Jayne."

"that's all right" she told him, "he broke my fall...all is well..." the little witch smiled smugly down at him as she rolled out of his arms.

He glared up at her as she reached down to help him, like that li'l slip of a girl was gonna be able to pull him up. With a snort he heaved himself off the floor and glared at her again. Much more dignified now that he was upright an' all. 'Course all that dignity went out the window when she started to brush him off. Fortunately the gentle bump of Serenity landing gave him the perfect excuse to escape her tiny hands and head for the cargo hold.

He jus' wished the reprieve weren't temporary. Those tiny hands had a way of settin' all kinds of feelin's off in him.

He whirled around and snapped at her, "Would you leave me the ruttin' hell alone?" River collided into his chest before she could stop herself. She looked up at him petulantly.

"want to meet Matty..." she frowned, "you don't want me meeting Matty, do you?"

"No," he replied honestly, then felt a pang of regret at her hurt look. "Ah hell girl, I don't even wanna be here."

"I know..." she said sadly, it was gettin' so's it didn't even faze him that she weren't jokin' 'bout that.

Probably the only one on this boat that knew how much he didn't want'ta be here. Probably knew why too...heck, weren't really no probably to that. With a sigh he turned and continued down to the deck below. He should'a learned after the week he'd had that there weren't no point in arguin' with her. If he ever got close ta a winnin' hand she jus' turned those big, sad eyes on him an' he caved, part of his mind whispered "that's why yellin' an' insultin' her don't work, idjit".

He walked over to where Mal an' Zoë were standin', the hatch already down. He could see Matty headin' over, a small blonde woman walkin' next ta him. Must be his wife, what had Ma said her name was? Amie...that was it. He could sense Inara an' Kaylee an' Simon headin' over behind him, River already standin' at his side.

It was shockin' how weak Matty was lookin' as they drew close, he knew he'd been sick but...Ma ain't never let on he was this bad. Matty'd always been smaller then him, but now he was lookin' downright scrawny. Pale and drawn.

Jayne moved forward and wrapped his brother in a bearlike hug, liftin' him off his feet.

"Damn Matty, ain't yer woman been feedin' ya?" He looked over at Amie with a concerned look, in spite of the words. She nodded back, understandin' Jayne's unspoken question. "An' this must be the li'l woman herself, looks to bright ta be married ta you."

"Well," she answered him with a drawl, "Matty is the smart Cobb, from what I hear tell. Handsome one, too. Now I know they wasn't lying to make me feel better." her eyes twinkled when she said it though. Jayne found himself laughin' an' givin' her a bearhug too. Amazed that she was even tinier then River.

Then they were caught up in a flurry of introductions, Book an' Wash havin' joined the party. But Jayne noticed Simon watchin' Matty with concern. So's it hadn't been jus' him thinkin' he didn't look to well. An' then he noticed with a pang that River hadn't been there for the introductions. Kaylee had them all entranced with tellin' of how the farm reminded her of her own home so he slipped back into the ship to see if he could find her.

He found her sittin' in her room drawing pictures.

"Thought ya wanted ta meet 'em." he couldn't quite keep the hurt outta his voice.

"I do..." she said, all calmlike, "but you said you did not want me too...so I left..." she didn't even looked up at him.

He gazed at her shocked for a moment, "Since when you done anythin' I wanted?" she had ta be the most exasperatin' woman he'd ever met.

She looked at him then, seemin' to consider his words. Then she went back to her drawin'.

"already intruded too much..." was her response, "you don't want me intruding more...so I won't..."

"Think it's a bit late fer that River," he said softly, "not sure what I want or don't want makes any difference no more."

"does to me..." she looked up at him again, almost defiantly.

"Fine, changed my mind, I want you to meet Matty." he grinned down at her suspicious look. But she got up and followed him back outside. He weren't sure if he'd won that hand or lost. Probably lost, way his week was goin'.

Matty looked over at 'em as they came outta the hatchway. "Who's this?" he asked with a grin, not even the sickness dampenin' his easy charm.

"Matty, this is River," Jayne hoped no one else noticed the hint of pride in his voice, "River, my li'l brother Matty, an' this here's his wife Amie."

"River?" Matty's voice shook a bit. River looked at him solemnly and nodded. "Jayne...I...I didn't tell ya much 'bout Ma's accident in that wave I sent. I thought her last words was gibberish, ya know, from the pain. But right 'for she died she told me ta tell ya somethin'...didn't make no sense...she said ta tell ya ta hold onto the river."

********************************

Matty looked around at his guests, been a long time since it'd been any but him, Amie and Ma here. Pa had died shortly after him an' Amie had gotten hitched four years ago. Jayne hadn't come back for either occasion, not that Matty blamed him none. Too many painful memories and both Andy and Sal had still been alive back then. Andy had passed on last year though, that left only Sal. With any luck that hwoon dahn'd never know Jayne had been back.

His gaze drifted over to the li'l mechanic, Kaylee. It was amazing how like Timmie she was, least, personality-wise. He wondered how Jayne dealt with that. Hoped it brought him more comfort then pain. She was a shiney one, might be she could light up the whole 'verse. Much like Timmie had once lit up this whole moon. Till that bastard Will and his two cronies had gotten their hands on her.

He'd never seen the body, but he'd seen Jayne's face when he came back ta the house after he'd found her. Seen the blood on his hands from carrying her to that quack doctor who'd failed ta save her. Remembered the Sheriff comin' ta visit Ma and Pa to let them know Jayne'd killed Will and he'd asked him to leave and not come back, so's he wouldn't have ta toss him in jail for it. Andy and Sal had done time for their part in it all. Not that either of them ever seemed to feel any regret over it, 'cepting that they'd been caught.

He became aware that River was watching him. She had such a sad, intense look on her face that he couldn't help but wonder if she knew what he was thinkin' on. It was downright creepifying the way she seemed to look right into a bodies mind. Almost as bad as that look of her brothers.

"So, what was Jayne like as a boy?" Kaylee asked, all chipper like. "An' how'd he get his name?" She looked over at him with a mischievous look and Matty laughed.

"Well now, that is a tale." He told her conspiratorially, ignoring Jayne's scowl. "There was four of us Cobb kids that lived, Ma had a couple miscarriages 'tween me an' the others. Allie's the oldest, then the twins, Jayne an' Timmie. 'Spite how it sounds Allie an' I were named fairly normal like, Alison and Matthew are our given names. But Jayne and Timothy ended up gettin' the others names. Ma didn't notice till she'd gotten home from the hospital that one of the nurses had switched their name tags, by then she'd already been callin' them by the wrong names for a couple'a days, figured it'd be best not ta confuse them by switchin' 'em back. So's they got stuck that way."

"We think that's what made Jayne all grumpy like, he always was an' ornery thing. Only one could ever get him ta smile was Timmie." He glanced over at Jayne, then went on when it seemed he was doin' okay. "Timmie died a number of years ago now, when she was 19. Allie's married an' livin' on Liberty, don't visit much these days. Seems her husband is kinda fancy like an' she don't like rememberin' on where she came from. Always was a bit of a snob."

Jayne snorted at that. It was somethin' of an understatement.

It sure felt good havin' a chance to tell the old stories again. Matty loved tellin' tales, he always had. So he was happy tellin' Kaylee an' the other's all about Jayne as a child. Had 'em all laughin' more then a time or two with the scrapes his older brother had gotten into as a young'n. None of 'em seemed shocked he'd been a holy terror when he was a kid.

Certainly not like they'd been shocked by Ma's dying message to Jayne. He still weren't sure what to make of all their reactions, but it'd been clear most of them hadn't never thought on Jayne havin' any call to hold onto River. An' all of 'em seemed to find the idea a mite disturbing. 'Cept maybe Kaylee and River herself. Girl was a mite youngish, but that weren't that uncommon. Happened more then occasionally out here on the Rim, heck, he was a number of years older'n Amie. Man couldn't be too picky where he found love. Didn't come around often enough.

He noticed that Simon had moved over to whisper something to the Captain, at the man's nod he headed over his way.

"Matty," he said, getting that serious Doctor look to him, "Jayne's told us you've been sick with the damp lung, I was wondering if you'd let me take a look? We might have some medicine that will help."

He glanced over at Jayne a little panicked, but Jayne just smirked at him. He already knew Amie'd be no help gettin' the Doc off him, she always said he should get more help then he had. But the only doctors he'd ever been to had never helped much, Jayne always called the Doc in town a quack. Even before...anyways, he'd had enough of doc's when he was little. Was a sickly thing as a child, had grown out of it by his teens but he'd never been as big an' healthy as his siblings.

He felt Jayne's big paw rest on his shoulder, hadn't even been aware his brother'd headed over. "Doc's a good'n, if any can fix ya up it'll be him. He's fixed me up a time or two." Matty caught Simon's shocked look, so the Doc was no more used to Jayne praising him then he was to hearing Jayne say any doc was good. He sighed, knowin' if Jayne and Amie ganged up on him he'd be better off ta give in gracefully.

"Jus don't eat all the food 'fore I get back." he growled at Jayne.

"Would I do a thing like that?" he asked, managing to look offended, then hurt as everyone said in unison.

"Yes."

********************************

Wash sat on the back porch watching the sun set. It was a beautiful red and gold. He heard Zoë come up behind him on the dry, wooden planks. He could tell she felt at ease here by the fact that she didn't try and hide her boot steps. Felt her warm arms around him as she leaned down to kiss his check, his sweater in one of her hands.

"Thanks lambie toes, getting a bit chilly out here." he said as he turned to kiss her back.

"Thought you might be," her breath caressed his neck as she replied. She tucked the sweater around him like a blanket.

She would make a really great mother, he knew that. Knew it wasn't fair of him always finding excuses not to let her be one. He just wasn't sure he'd make as good a father. Too much of a child himself. There was no doubt in his mind when they did have children who would be the one to discipline them. And it sure wasn't going to be him. It scared him that something might happen to her, leaving him alone to raise a child. He could handle the thought of raising one with her, but doing it without her wasn't something he was ready for.

Lately though, it had occurred to him that something might happen to her before they got a chance to have a child and then he would have nothing at all of her. And that thought scared him even more.

"Zoë, sweetie?" he found himself saying, "you know that child you've been wanting to meet? I've been thinking I might want to meet 'em too..."

He heard her sharp intake of breath, then she was sitting on his lap. Looking deep into his eyes to make sure he was serious.

"Why now, Wash?" she asked, not upset, more curious...and needing to be sure he meant it. His Zoë thought she was all unreadable, but he'd learned some of her moods. Not as good at it as Mal was, except on this subject. This one, him and Zoë had danced around enough times he could read her pretty well on. This one and that whole making love one, he could read her moods quite well on that topic also.

"It still scares me Zoë, but I am figuring out that having a kid won't stop bad things from happening," he owed it to her to try and explain things, "won't cause them to happen neither. And all the sudden it scares me more that something bad might happen before you got to meet your little one then something bad happening after. Or that something bad might never happen and I would have wasted our lives worrying about it."

Then she was kissing him, making it impossible to explain any further. Of course, she never was one that needed a lot of words. More a woman of action, his Zoë. Strange, he could already hear the pitter-patter of little feet. Zoë pulled away from him and smiled over his shoulder, "Hello River."

He turned and watched as River settled onto the porch next to him and Zoë. He tried not to laugh, really, he did. But she was wearing that silly hat Jayne's mother had knit him and a sweater that looked like it had been made to match. Where in the world had the girl found them?

"His bunk," she said, pointing to the hat, "and the living room...was almost done..." indicating the sweater. Wash could see now that the neck was ragged where it had not been finished off. Poor thing could almost do the backstroke in that sweater, but she was beaming up at them like she was wearing the finest clothing in the 'verse.

And the girl's crush on Jayne had gone from being highly amusing to deeply disturbing when Matty had told Jayne what his mother's dying words were.

"Why?" she was looking up at him with a puzzled look on her face, "same feelings as before...why are they different now?"

"Yes Wash, why?" Zoë asked him, this was one of the times he couldn't read Zoë, but he had a feeling he was stepping on thin ice. And since when did the girl make so much sense? And answer his thoughts so, blatantly? Like he'd actually spoken. He looked from one to the other, lost for words. Fortunately, River turned her attention to Zoë.

"Doesn't bother you?" hardly seemed fair that River had to ask Zoë that after she'd just read his mind. She giggled at him and explained. "Your mind shouts, Zoë's doesn't...I don't "read" your mind, I", she frowned, as if trying to find the words she wanted. "..."pick up" thoughts you let go...probably could read it...but that would be rude...to much information anyway...don't really need too...don't want too..."

"So, what you're saying is you don't go into our minds, even though you could," Zoë asked, "you just pick up any stray thoughts?"

"Can't not pick them up...they are just laying there and I trip into them..." River was looking at Zoë intently now, "feelings are similar...only there are more of them about...not as solid as thoughts so they bleed out more...but because there are more of them I can sometimes...go on to a different one...just can't block them out or push them away..."

She stopped when Simon gasped behind them. "Mei-mei? Is...is that what it is like for you?"

Wash could see the relief in her eyes as she nodded to her brother, but she also looked sad. It really was rather sad. So far, everything she had been able to tell about what was going on in her head had been said to others, not to Simon. Even though she must have realized he and the others had come out onto the porch, she had still been talking to Zoë.

He could imagine this was causing Simon a great deal of pain as well. It would be bad enough trying to deal with what they had done to her but now he also had to deal with her being able to talk to everyone but him. Wash found his gaze drifting over to Jayne. He was scowling down at her, but there was something different in it this time. Almost like it wasn't her he was scowling at, but the ones that had done this to her. Wash got the strangest feeling he didn't want to be anyone that had ever hurt River.

He'd just about bet Mal had a similar expression on his face, but he was standing behind him so he couldn't be sure. Inara and Kaylee both looked like they wanted to smother the poor girl in hugs. Book was looking thoughtful, someday he'd figure that man out. And Zoë, well, if he didn't know her any better he'd say she felt nothing, only the dangerous glint in her eye said otherwise.

"So," he asked, trying to break the ice, "where are our hosts?" Not up to his usual standard of wit but it was the best he could think of, nothing about this situation lent itself to a lighthearted quip.

"Shoo'd us out so's they could clean up." Jayne turned his scowl on him.

"What, you didn't eat all the plates too?" Wash knew he could count on Jayne to give him an opening.

"Stop it..." everyone's eyes went to River as she stood up and glared at Jayne, effectively cutting off any retort he was about to make. Then her eyes turned to him and Wash almost vowed never to taunt the big man again. "no insulting or baiting..." her dark eyes moved back to Jayne, "no scowling or ripping of limbs...tonight is about healing...not about giving River a headache..." she looked back and forth between them again, then commanded everyone, "now sit."

Wash watched in amazement as they all found places. He knew it wasn't precisely out of fear, more like shock. But it still made quite a sight.

Simon and Kaylee ended up on the porch swing, Mal in the other chair, Inara settling onto the footstool next to him, Book leaning on the railing and Jayne plopping down where he'd been standing. River gave a satisfied nod and sat down in Jayne's lap. Wash couldn't stop the grin forming at Jayne's obvious discomfort, but River was giving him that look again so he forced it off his face. He was more then happy to watch that look move on to Simon and Mal, stopping them before either could voice an objection to her choice of seating.

"So," Mal drawled instead, his voice getting that tense, captainy tone. "We jus' gonna sit here and...heal?"

"I was thinking we could sing campfire songs..." River replied calmly. She looked at Mal, her head tilted to one side, and smiled as she started to sing, _"I'm a little coconut, lying on the coco ground, everybody steps on me, that is why I'm cracked you see...I'm a nut...I'm a nut...I'm crazy..."_

Wash was sure he'd never heard that one before, have to remember to teach it to his dinosaurs.

********************************

Zoë knew she had to get her mind back on the job at hand. Now was not the time for aimless daydreaming. Even if they were on Liberty's first moon instead of Liberty itself. She was mighty glad Matty had known a guy on moon one that might be able to take the cargo off their hands. Really hadn't been looking forward to Mal in a bar on an Alliance friendly planet trying to make a contact with only the hint of an idea who to talk to.

From what Matty'd said the moons tended towards Independent sympathies though they had never openly shown them, as much as they depended on Liberty to survive she couldn't blame them. But she did wonder if Jayne had been aware of that. And if he had been, when he'd been planning to let Mal know there was a safer place to fence the goods.

"Somethin' ya need to talk on?" Mal asked her. "We're a mite early, bar's pretty deserted too."

Which meant there was something Mal wanted to talk on. Since he had not been there to overhear her and Wash's conversation last night, she knew it had to be about River. And maybe Jayne, they hadn't hashed that over yet. Both of them hoping it was nothing more then a crush on River's side. She looked around the bar, only her and Mal, the bartender and one other guy. Both of whom were situated to far away to catch any stray conversation.

"You think this thing between them might be a problem?" she asked, already knowing he did. It had made her uncomfortable at first too, but the more she thought on it...

"You don't?" she held back a sigh at his accusation.

"First off, Sir," man could get so tetchy sometimes, "it isn't really any of our business, River is an adult now..."

"A very emotionally disturbed adult who ain't had no experience of this sort." Mal interrupted.

"Like you aren't, Sir," she smiled at him gently, to take the sting out of her words, "emotionally disturbed, that is. And perhaps it is time she got some experience of this sort."

Mal just stared back at her dumbfounded, so she went on. "And the way I see it, she's gotten a hell of a lot easier to deal with since whatever happened between them that night, happened. She's communicating more, hasn't had no outbursts in over a month now. That's two weeks longer then she's ever gone before. Can't all be Jayne's doing, I know that. But he seems to calm her some, steady her." she paused to see how Mal was taking this.

"Might sound crazy, but even though she was tellin' me an' Wash about how she gets thoughts and feelings, I don't think she'd have been able to do that if she hadn't felt Jayne nearby. Think that was why she was wearing his hat and that sweater, anyone could tell his Ma had been knitting it for him. I think it was helping her feel more connected to him."

"She's changed him too. He's been moody as hell the last week, but that's 'cause he's fighting this and trying to deal with the loss of his Mother at the same time, can't hardly blame the guy. I really don't think he's any happier about this then you are."

"That supposed to make me feel better?" he said, "'cause it don't, man has a bad history of doin' stupid things when he feels trapped."

"Don't think that'll be the case here, Sir." her eyes drifted over to the door as a man entered, she coolly looked him over. He sure seemed to fit the description Matty had given them of Jon Clyne. Kinda short and scrawny with a tattoo just barely visible over his collar. Looked vaguely like Amie too, Matty'd said he was some distant cousin.

He walked over to their table after grabbing a beer from the bar. "How's Amie doin'?" he asked as he casually sat down across from Mal.

"Fine, said to tell you howdy," Mal responded, keeping his tone as casual as Jon's. "asked if we could bring back word on how you and the missus were doin'."

"Jus' peachy," he grinned at Mal, showing a gap where he was missing a front tooth. "Matty said you had some thing's you'd be wantin' ta trade?"

Zoë was able to listen with half an ear to the business transaction between Mal and Jon and still keep an eye on the customers slowly filling the bar around them. It'd do them good to have a solid contact in this area, couldn't afford to have something, or someone, interfere with this first meeting. But Mal and Jon quickly came to an understanding and made plans to transfer the cargo over in half an hour. Her and Mal stayed for one more round after Jon left, thankfully the bar had filled up enough that Mal didn't bring River and Jayne up again.

She had more important things she needed to think about right now. Like how to tell Mal her and Wash had decided to have a baby. She let her mind chew on that while they headed back to the docks.

Maybe she should get Wash to tell Mal, but no, she loved them both too much to subject them to that. Mal deserved to hear it from her and Wash didn't deserve having to tell Mal. She'd already told Wash that she wanted to stay on Serenity if Mal was willing, she'd been pleased that he'd looked relieved at that. Flying was as much a part of him as watching Mal's back was of her. She had still expected him to make some quip about Mal being able to take care of himself, but he hadn't.

It seemed he had come to a kind of peace regarding her and Mal since Niska had taken them. She knew that was a large part of what had re-sparked her wanting a child. The sharp jab of fear that she had lost Wash and Mal when she first realized who had taken them. But she hadn't lost them, she had gotten them both back. Might be they were changed by the experience, but they both lived and that was enough.

She headed up to the bridge as soon as they got back, leaving Mal to wait for Jon and his men in the cargo bay. Making a brief stop by the engine room to let Kaylee know they'd be leaving soon.

"We made the contact, Mal wants to leave soon as the deal is done." she told Wash, smiling at his startled look. He still got embarrassed when she caught him playing with those damn dinosaurs. She noted with amusement he'd been singing River's campfire song through them.

********************************

She watched him walk towards the barn from the kitchen window, head down and shoulders slumped. Had heard him tell the Shepherd that he needed to go alone, needed to say goodbye in his own fashion. So much pain radiating from him. Old and new. She shoved the lunch she had prepared into his Ma's knitting bag and hurried out after him, ignoring the questioning looks from the others as she passed them.

Wasn't sure he'd let her go with either, but she had to try. And, if nothing else, she was fairly certain he'd take the food.

He was already in the barn saddling up Moonshadow, she paused in the doorway to watch him. His big hands surprisingly agile as they tightened the straps of the harness. He glanced over at her briefly then returned to getting the horse ready to ride out to the graves. Didn't say a word and his thoughts had become closed off. It was getting rare for her not to be able to sense anything at all from him. A soft sigh escaped her lips as she moved closer.

She reached into the knitting bag and pulled out the food she'd packaged up, placing it in the saddlebag hanging over the stall nearby. She had meant what she'd said to him when he'd asked why she left without meeting Matty, she was not going to intrude anymore. If he did not want her with him she would remain here. Would not even ask if he wanted her along, would wait for him to ask or leave.

She turned around to look at him again. He was standing there staring back, even his face a blank to her. Just his eyes, gleaming darkly under the black brim of his hat, hinting at hidden emotions.

Moonshadow let out an uneasy huff behind him, protesting the tension. River moved over to murmur in his ear, amazed at how much smarter horses were then cows. She had never been this close to one before. Had only seen pictures and caught a brief glimpse of the ones left around Nandi's place after Petaline gave birth, but she had not had time to go over and say hello to them.

Jayne moved over to grab the saddlebags, tossing them casually over Moonshadow's back.

"That goin' too?" he asked, indicating the knitting bag.

"I was going to finish your sweater." she said shyly, not sure how he'd take the idea. His mouth pressed into a thin line as she glanced up at him, but he said nothing. Just picked it up and placed it into the other side of the saddlebags. Her heart skipped a beat. He moved behind her and grabbed her gently around the waist, lifting her easily onto the saddle. She gasped in sudden terror and latched onto the pummel for dear life.

It was so...strange, not at all like being on a ship or a hovercraft. She was at Moonshadow's mercy. Something not right about riding someone with thoughts and feelings.

Jayne chuckled up at her, "Don't tell me you ain't never ridden a horse before?"

"No..." her eyes pleaded with him to get her down. But he just gently uncurled her fingers from the pummel, guiding them off to the sides. Then he grabbed hold of it and swung himself up behind her, the saddle tilting slightly under his weight. River felt like she might be sick. Moonshadow let out a puff of air in disgust at the added burden of Jayne, but he just told him to buck up and take it like a man.

River felt a bit better with the solid mass of Jayne behind her, his arms wrapped around her to hold the reins...his chest firm against her back...his legs pressing up under hers. She shook her head to try and clear it out...too many sensations. Horse under her, Jayne behind her, the swaying as they started moving.

"Relax," his breath grazed her cheek as he spoke, "hold on to the pummel now, grip slightly with yer knee's...like this." she felt his leg muscles tense to demonstrate. "Jus' let yer body move with the horse."

Slowly she felt her body relax into Jayne's, picking up on how he adjusted for Moonshadow's every movement, the subtle tensing and easing of muscles to let Moonshadow know what he wanted. Her body learning how to anticipate and counter-balance. Her fear waned and she began to enjoy the freedom of riding out on the open plains, the communion between man and horse, the wind running caressing fingers in her hair. She laughed lightly as Jayne cursed behind her, pulling her hair out of his mouth again.

"Should'a chopped it off 'fore we set out." he grumbled, gathering as much of it together in one hand as the wind let him. He gave it a twist, careful not to tug it out of her scalp, and tucked it between them gently.

"Don'cha dare shake it loose again." he warned when she started to turn around to glance up at him. She faced forward again with a happy smile.

"Yes sir" she replied teasingly.

"So how is it a rich, fancy girl like yourself ain't never learned ta ride?" he asked, gently but firmly holding her still when she tried to turn around again.

"No horses on Osiris," she felt a sadness at that now, then her voice took on her father's clipped, formal tones, "horses are for people that can't afford better."

She felt his sharp burst of anger at the comment. Then it eased as he processed that she hadn't said it in her voice. Relief flooded her at the return of his emotions, it felt empty without them at the edge of her awareness. His pain returning to the forefront as they topped a hill and looked down on the graves. Three tombstones and one freshly dug, left unmarked till the dirt re-settled. His grandpa, who had first moved here from Liberty after his wife died leaving him with a small son to raise, his father, Timmie and now his Mother.

He slid off the horse then reached up and lifted her down. They stood for a moment facing each other, River's hand drifting up to caress his cheek softly. The stubble rough under her fingers before they moved down to the softer goatee on his chin. With a sigh she moved closer winding her arms around him, her cheek resting over his heart. His arms enclosing her in an awkward, yet gentle hug.

Then he was drawn away, the ghosts calling to him. She pulled the knitting bag out and settled under the scrawny tree providing it's pale shelter over the small cemetery. Moonshadow grazing peacefully nearby. Studying the knots forming the sweater intensely, trying to puzzle out how to make them. Jayne's emotions lapping like waves around her. She tugged the last knot out gently, watching it knit in reverse. He let the memories he'd been holding back come as he crouched at his mother's grave site. She looped the yarn around one needle and carefully placed it back, then started adding from the new ball of yarn; knit, pearl, knit, pearl. He reached out, scooping up a small handful of the loose dirt and let it slide out between his fingers.

The day moved towards it's zenith as they each focused on their separate tasks. Jayne saying his goodbye's and River learning to knit. Over an hour passed before either spoke.

"Matty gonna be okay?" he asked her as he moved over to stretch out next to her. She knew Simon had told him he would be, that it was just a matter of having been taking medicine that only treated the symptoms, not the cause, before. Knew that he needed reassurance that Simon was right, Matty was the only real family he had left now. So she smiled and gave his hand a light squeeze as she answered truthfully, "Yes."

He looked over at where his mother was buried, a slight frown creasing his face. He pushed his hat back and tilted his head, checking the sun's position.

"Ma used ta know things, like when we was in trouble." he was trying to sound casual.

"Most mothers do..." she told him reassuringly.

"Did yours?" he asked, his gaze settling on her face at last. She could feel his curiosity about her family. Knew he'd picked up that they hadn't been much like his.

"no..." she folded the sweater on her lap, trying to think how to explain her family to him. "children are to be seen, not heard...their worth measured in what they can bring to their families honor...not to say we were not loved...we were...Simon, a little more so..." she smiled sadly at him.

"He was the perfect one, brilliant, handsome, aware of his place and purpose...perfectly suited to the role he was chosen to play...then there was River, a girl child should be beautiful and graceful, smart and witty, not so smart that she scared all potential matches away...not so gifted that she had no place in society." she could feel the anger at her parents flow over from him.

"not their fault, just how it is." she clasped his hand again, this time keeping it wrapped in her tiny fingers. "the school offered us all hope...a place for me to be...to find a place I fit...they could have denied me that."

"Should'a..." he growled. "should'a helped Simon git ya out of there too."

"maybe..." she said softly, "they would not have survived losing everything though...you see how hard it has been for Simon, imagine two individuals ten times more "proper" and "uptight" then him trying to make do in the black." she smiled at Jayne's chuckle. His face grew somber again.

"Don't sound like much of'a childhood ta me." she tilted her head and grinned down at him playfully.

"why do you think I like playing with Kaylee so..." Both of them froze at the sound. A twig snapping, closer then anyone should have been able to get to either of them. Jayne cussed under his breath as he sat up, turning as a figure came over the hilltop. River heard herself curse softly, shouldn't have gotten so wrapped up in Jayne...should have sensed Sal getting near.

"Knew I'd find ya here Cobb," he sneered down at them, "always was too soft on your womenfolk." he cocked his rifle and leveled it at Jayne's head.

"What'cha want Sal." Jayne snarled as he stood, his body uncoiling slowly. His hand ready to go for his gun as soon as there was an opening. River stood up as he moved in front of her.

"Justice," he replied, "seems everyone's paid but you."

"Oh, I paid," his voice dangerously low, "I lost a sister to you wang bao dahn's."

River felt like her head was going to explode from the screaming. Needed out, wanted to get out. She moved around Jayne gracefully, starting to move slowly towards Sal. Felt Jayne's panic like a knife, but Sal's finger tightened threateningly as he shifted the rifle to her when he tried to stop her.

"What we got here, yer daughter?" Sal asked with a leer. "Not as purdy as Timmie was, but she might do for a bit of fun after I finish you off."

Stupid man just saw a harmless little unarmed girl heading towards him, did not see the purpose in her eyes. She heard Jayne's angry and anguished growl behind her. She paused and glanced back at him, letting him catch a glimpse of her eyes, hoping he'd understand, at least enough not to interfere. He froze. She turned back to Sal, closing the small space remaining. So close now his rifle was alongside her and at last he saw something in her to fear. But it was far to late.

"present from Timmie" she whispered as she reached up and placed one small hand on each side of his head. She let the screams out and they slammed into his brain.

He fell to his knees in front of her, his screams rising in pitch to match Timmie's. The pain of Will thrusting between her legs, Sal and Andy pinning her arms and laughing down at her, blood flowing like water, the fists and feet cracking ribs as she lay there sobbing, Will's boot catching her skull turning her whole world red...

With a gasp River pulled away, dazed at the sight of Sal quaking in horror. Felt Jayne catch her as her trembling legs gave out, dimly aware he'd kicked the rifle out of Sal's reach. Not that he was in any shape to think of using it. Jayne set her down tenderly, his gaze warm on her face.

"You gonna be all right?" he asked, his voice shaking slightly in concern. Her eyes searched his, relieved when they found only the fear that she was harmed, no hint of fear at what she had done. Her smile flashed brilliant in spite of the throbbing in her head. She let her eyes close as he gently brushed the hair from her face.

When she pried her eyes open again she was staring at Jayne's back. His knees drawn up, arms crossed almost casually on top of them, his gun held ready, the rifle resting beside him. Still groggy, she wondered how long she'd been out, fifteen minutes? Half an hour? Hadn't been long, but Sal had stopped making those whimpering noises.

She pushed herself up to a sitting position, feeling her muscles and head protest...with a twinge of humor she made a mental note not to make it a habit of channeling angry dead people's memories into unwilling "victims". Had not been near this hard giving Jayne his mother's message, but that had been to Jayne, whom she had already had a bond with. Plus the images and emotions had not been nearly as violent as Timmie's had been. And in spite of what the Captain and the others believed Jayne's mind was a pleasant place to be, unlike Sal's. She shuddered and leaned against Jayne's broad back, letting his strength flow around her.

"What did that witch do ta me?" Sal asked, his voice still shaking with fear.

"Looks ta me like she taught ya what it feels like ta be raped." Jayne said coldly.

"I never raped yer sister, never killed her neither." he protested.

"No," River said, scooting around Jayne so she could face Sal, "you just held her down and laughed as someone else did...you kicked her and hit her...left her for dead. Might not have been the worst but both what you did and what you didn't do contributed to her horror, pain and death." she looked at his sharply as he started to protest again.

"And you never once felt regret over it." her eyes bore into him, "you feel women are like horses or cattle, that they are property to be used by men as they see fit. Even in the years you spent in jail you never did penance. Because you felt you had done nothing wrong. Well, now your penance has been visited upon you, you shall carry the cross of Timmie's last moments until you draw your dying breath."

"But take heart, Sal," she smiled at him, "your soul has a chance for redemption that Andy and Will's did not. They died never accepting the sinful deed's they had done. You have a chance to repent, to make things right before your time comes."

"I suggest ya start prayin'." Jayne said with an evil smile. "Oh, an' if'n ya even think of gettin' any sort of mob out ta the farm for some kind of...retaliation..."

He just let the words dangle there as Sal managed to get to his feet and stumble off in terror.

"I think he pissed his pants." he drawled at her. She giggled at that.

"Know he did." she smiled at him.

"Yep, that's my girl," he wrapped an arm around her and drew her close, "makin' grown men wet themselves in pure terror."

"Figure's that'd be the key to your heart." she pouted as he let out a husky chuckle.

"Yep, that an' food," he glanced around, "only I'm thinkin' a change of view 'fore we eat might be in order. Where's that damn horse."

She pointed as Moonshadow came up over the rise behind them. Smiling innocently at Jayne's bemused look. She scurried over to start gathering up her knitting things before he could say anything.

As she put them in the saddlebags she felt Jayne come up behind her. Gently he started moving his fingers through her hair, working the knots out. Quickly weaving it into a braid. She stood still as he fished in his pocket for a second, pulling out a piece of string to tie it off with. She leaned back against him, her head tilting to the side as his fingertips lightly grazed her neck. Little sparks of electricity dancing over her flesh. He let out a soft groan as his lips nuzzled the place his fingers had just stroked. It felt like liquid fire was burning in her veins, even as it tickled.

"That gorram neck'a yours is gonna be the death of me." his voice husky. Arms winding around her, pulling her tight as he struggled to get himself back under control. River noticed with wonder that her passions receded with his, somehow his pushing his feelings back...took her's there too. Interesting.

As he lifted her into the saddle she wondered if it wouldn't be more comfortable if she was behind him.

"Prob'ly," he said with a smirk, "but not as much fun."

She looked down at him solemnly as the shock of what had just happened hit him.

"Ya didn't say that...out loud, did ya?" she shook her head no.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The conclusion to Delta Rain. So it ends, as it began.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Many thanks to William Topley and The Blessing for their song "Delta Rain", it helped inspire this piece. River sings bits and pieces of it to Jayne. Beta'd in parts by [](https://cassiee.livejournal.com/profile)[](https://cassiee.livejournal.com/)**cassiee**
> 
> Chinese translations:  
> Ch. 11) Tian xiz shou you de ren dou gai si: F*ck everyone in the universe to death  
> Ch. 12) Swai: Handsome  
> Ch. 12) Bao bei: Darling  
> Ch. 13) Wuo de ma: Mother of Jesus  
> Ch. 14) Shumma?: What?

"Ya didn't say that...out loud, did ya?" she shook her head no;

Oh god...he'd heard her, clear as day he'd heard her. So loud it'd taken a second to realize it hadn't been his ears doin' the hearin'.

Weren't right, no ruttin' way it was right. He'd never even heard Timmie in his head like that an' they was twins, everyone knew twins had a bond. Maybe fraternal twins it weren't so strong as identical, but it'd been there none the less. Like the night she died. He'd known somethin' bad was happening to her, even known where ta find her, just couldn't reach her in time. But he weren't no reader, never heard nobody in his head 'fore, never.

"Jayne..." his head snapped up to check that her lips was moving this time. "not a reader...just hear me, only me."

He felt the breath he'd been holdin' release sharply. His muscles relaxing as the edge of panic eased. Part of his mind wonderin' when he'd gotten so gorram comfortable with her readin' him as he swing himself up behind her. He knew part of that comfort was 'cause of how he an' Timmie had always known when the other was in trouble, Ma always knowin' what he was feelin'. Weren't nothin' like as strong as River's visions were, but the longer he was here the more he remembered 'em and that made River's abilities sit easier.

"Stop thinking so much...making my head hurt..." she turned and looked up at him with a scowl an' he had to chuckle. Gorram girl, every one else wanted him ta think more an' she wanted him thinkin' less.

"That's because they don't realize that you are always thinking...not always thinking well...but it is thinking." she said with a laugh of her own. Nice laugh, sorta like little bells. Made him forget 'bout growling at her over that little dig.

"So's why is it I heard ya? Or is talkin' not allowed neither?" he asked as he nudged Moonshadow into a walk. He hadn't noticed how tense she'd gotten till she leaned back against him and her head tilted off to the side in that way'a hers. Couldn't hear her thoughts now but he knew she was considerin' how to answer. Worried 'bout how much he was ready to handle.

"We're...bonding," he could almost see her puzzled frown in his mind, "threads connecting us..."

"Like that thing you was sayin' the night ya came ta my bunk? 'Bout the string under the ribs?" he felt a little pleased at her startled gasp, knew she hadn't expected him ta remember that. If she'd even realized he'd been awake enough to hear it in the first place.

"Yes...like that..." she said after a while, her voice soft, "like you and Timmie were...only we are connecting in a different way...you two were connected by DNA and the womb and a childhood shared...Simon and I are connected too...not as close though...didn't share a womb and we came from different eggs and sperm and he had several years of childhood before I came...you and Timmie shared an egg, had an entire childhood together...made you closer."

"An' you an' me are connectin' how?" he asked, wonderin' that she couldn't see the bond her an' Simon really had. Hell, even he could see they was every bit as close as him an' Timmie had been. A bond didn't need ta include knowin' every gorram thing to be strong. Was part of what had bugged him so much, the pain of seein' the two of them an' knowin' he'd never feel that close ta anyone again.

"Blood...started when I cut you and you hit me...we both drew blood. But there was something there before, some instinctive awareness of a kindred soul." he felt his chest constrict at that, the guilt at what he'd done on Ariel had gotten worse when he'd learned her intent had not been to hurt him. She wrapped her fingers around his free hand gently. He wished he'd taken those ruttin' gloves off so's he could feel her palm against his.

"Sorry 'bout hurtin' ya..." he started as she brought his hand up and rubbed it against her check then pressed a soft kiss on his knuckles. He forced his mind to stay on track. "Sorry 'bout betrayin' you an' Simon to the Fed's. Never should'a done that, no ruttin' way you deserved that. No idea how ya can ever forgive me for that..."

"You were mad...and hurt...weren't thinking..." she pulled his glove off as she spoke, tracin' a finger across his callused palm before going on, "I'm sorry too, doesn't matter that my intent wasn't to hurt you...doesn't change the fact that I did...doesn't change that it was my actions that tipped the scales...chance that you would was already there, but the balance was on the other side before..."

"I done it for the money." he said harshly.

"And the fear of me..and the pain inside..." she replied calmly, tangling their fingers together, "can't hide it from me Jayne, I know why you did it better then you are willing to admit to yourself. Would rather think of yourself as tough and cold and heartless, not as scared a little girl could ruin your carefully built walls or caring enough about the others to want to protect them from the danger she brought to Serenity."

"I know the money was a part of it..." her voice took on an exasperated tone at his thoughts. Gorram girl seemed ta be determined to downplay this. "Don't have to think I am being naive. Past now, will never happen again. And I forgive you."

"No, won't never happen again." he pulled her closer and kissed the top of her head tenderly, the smell of her hair tantalizing. "An' I forgive you, too."

"Even though it was your favorite shirt?" she asked, her playful tone lightening the mood.

"Even though..." he laughed, "I even forgive ya for ruinin' my favorite chest."

"My favorite chest too, and I didn't ruin it, just added more character to it." her face tilted up at him with a slightly naughty look and he found his lips brushing lightly across hers. His tongue tracing around her mouth slowly, tasting, then pressing down firmly. His lips clinging to hers for an endless moment before he pulled back. He watched as her eyelids fluttered open revealing her dazed look. Slowly her free hand lifted to brush against her lips in wonder and he could sense her thoughts, "he kissed me...first kiss...my first kiss..".

"I'd'a thought all the boys'd be chasin' you 'round the playground beggin' kisses." he teased gently. Cursed himself at her sudden burst of embarrassment.

"no.." she said sadly, her head dropping down.

"Ah hell girl, I ain't got no problem bein' the first ta kiss ya," he said roughly, hoping to ease her mind. "Jus' means I ain't gotta hunt 'em all down an' kill 'em."

He felt relief as her laughter blended with the faint sound of Kaylee's shriek and the splash that followed it.

"Gorramit, should'a known Matty'd take 'em to the swimmin' hole." he muttered, pulling Moonshadow to a halt. "So, join 'em or find some place else?"

"Wanna swim..." she beamed up at him, then sensing his reluctance she reassured him tenderly, "we'll make private moments...won't be our only time...promise."

"Gonna be a lot harder on the ship," he told her, "an' Mal an' Simon won't like it none. Hell, even Book don't like it none." But he urged Moonshadow on towards the swimming hole.

"They'll adjust..." she smirked back at him. Oh great, now Mal'll be pissed at her takin' on his expressions too. Ah well, might as well get this over with.

Every face turned to them as they came into view, Mal scowlin' up a storm. Rest of them seemed fairly happy ta see them, or at least relieved. He was a bit surprised Simon looked more worried then angry as he headed over to them. But then, he was still lookin' at River. He slid easily off the horse an' went to lift River down but she slid off right after him, grinnin' mischievously up at him as he caught her.

"Go on, git...I'll deal with Mal an' Simon." he told her as Mal also headed over. "Got some things need ta be said."

She touched his cheek gently then headed over to Simon, intercepting him for a quick hug and a whispered word before she went down to join Kaylee in the water. He was pretty sure she also whispered "no touching" to Mal as she passed him. Simon stared after her for a moment then fell into line next to Mal. He wasn't even gonna get a chance ta take them on one at'a time.

"How'd the drop go?" he asked Mal as they got close. "Matty's contact good?"

"Fine, everything went jus' fine." Mal's voice had that "I'm gonna kill you" tone to it. "'Till we got back an' found you an' River had gone off together."

"How's 'bout we move off a bit so's when ya'll start beatin' on me we don't spook the horse." Jayne watched the subtle shift in Mal's expression, knew the other man had picked up that Jayne wasn't gettin' as defensive as he'd expected. Simon was looking back and forth between them still trying ta figure out what was goin' on. One day that boy was gonna need to learn some body language. An' not jus' Kaylee's neither. His lip twitched into a smirk as he lead them back a ways.

"Lemme say my piece," he met Mal's gaze an' held it, "then ya'll can kill me or whatever ya like." he waited till Mal nodded slowly.

"I weren't totally open 'bout what happened the night she told me 'bout the blue hands." he admitted, feelin' a hint of anger at Mal's "I knew it look". Then he looked over at Simon.

"What was you an' Kaylee doin' that night?" he asked him, not at all sure how this was gonna go down, but knowin' now it needed to be said.

"We...that...is none of your business." Simon sputtered, but he ignored him and looked at Mal.

"An' you an' 'Nara?" he tried ta keep the anger out of his voice, knew it edged in anyways. Weren't any of their fault, was those gorram Blue Hands creeps. He saw the pieces fittin' together in Mal's head.

"Tian xiz shou you de ren dou gai si." Jayne almost laughed at Mal's string of cussin', it was even worse then his'd been.

"Was starting to wonder about that." Zoë's calm voice cut in. Damn woman was silent as a mouse when she wanted ta be. But her eyes met his with what almost looked like sympathy. He had the oddest feelin' she'd come over to stop Mal from doin' him in. He looked back over to Simon as the boy made a strangled sound, a look of horror on his face as the implications sank in.

"You told me yerself, Doc," he said, tryin' to sound as comfortin' as he could. "she feels everything, she can't not."

"But...she's just...a girl..." he muttered weakly, more ta himself then the rest of 'em. Jayne couldn't stop the harsh bark of laughter.

"I'm thinkin', 'tween the six of ya, there ain't much she don't know 'bout sex." his tone took on a grim note, "even if'n it was only the one night. Actually don't think it happens all the time, I think she has some way of tunin' ya'll out most times. I took ta watchin' her after that, at times I knew somethin' was goin' on...didn't seem ta affect her like it had that night. Maybe it was all of ya at once, might be she was jus' caught off guard...might be 'cause I was near her after that."

"Took me a while ta get her ta snap outta it, had ta slap her..." he glanced at Mal, but the man was hidin' his reaction to that, "once she snapped outta it though, it seemed like my bein' there kept it at bay somehow. She did step back once, it was like she was swept back into it when she moved away from me. That's why I picked her up an' carried her into the mess, why we ended up sleepin' in the chair together. Jus' seemed the only place she was safe was next ta me."

He could tell from Simon's shocked look that Mal'd never told him how he'd found the two of 'em. Zoë, of course, seemed to already be aware of it.

"An' then that night she came ta my bunk ta tell me my Ma had died," he watched as Zoë put her hand on Mal's. "weren't like that Mal." he said sharply, startin' to get a mite annoyed at the man's readiness to condemn him.

"She told me there'd been an accident an' that Ma loved me and wanted me ta know that." this was harder ta tell them then the other had been, he pulled in a deep breath and went on, "an' she...showed me Ma's feelin's. I think she showed me the accident too, there was some flashes of pictures. That gorram water pump hangin' there as they tried ta get it in place, then fallin', Matty's face lookin' down...but mostly it was this wave of emotions."

"An' ya never thought to tell us this?" Mal asked quietly.

"Ah hell Mal, I was tryin' to believe it ain't never happened like that." he knew his voice sounded testy, "needed ta come ta terms with it some. Not an easy thing havin' someone pokin' 'bout in yer head, ya know." his look dared Mal to contradict him. A little surprised when Mal looked away.

He found himself tellin' them how Timmie'd died, how he'd killed Will an' then left at the Sheriff's request. Felt odd tellin' them 'bout his past. But maybe it was time he started trustin' 'em with a bit more 'bout himself. An' they needed ta know ta understand what River done ta Sal. He felt a grim satisfaction at tellin' them 'bout that part. Was pleased to note Zoë an' Mal's equally grim pride at River's actions. They'd both seen enough of rape ta feel the bastard deserved it. Poor Simon was havin' a harder time with it, part of him knowin' he wanted the same kinda treatment on those that done this to his sister, part of him horrified at River bein' able to rape a man's soul so coldly. But even he chuckled slightly, if a bit uncomfortably, at his tellin' 'bout Sal pissin' his pants.

Mal sighed deeply an' ran his hand through his hair before askin', "So, what's the part you ain't told us yet?"

He felt himself shift uncomfortably, a feeling of dread at how this was gonna come out soundin' creepin' over him.

"Well...um...I'm startin' ta hear what she's thinkin'...sometimes..." he looked up into their shocked faces, "an' not in a she's puttin' her thoughts into my head kinda way neither. Pickin' up on her feelin's some too. She says we're...bonding."

********************************

They was back out in the black, been near a week since they'd said goodbye to Matty an' Amie.

Kaylee peeked over at Jayne and River sittin' on the chair across from her. It was so cute how they cuddled up like that. Jayne sittin' there with his head bent down, almost touching hers as he held the viewer for her ta read off of, River all curled up into his side. Jayne had his face kinda scrunched up-like as he tried to read along, she couldn't blame him, some'a the words were mighty long and strange. Kaylee was always glad when River took a minute to explain what they meant, her voice so melodic when she was readin' that it never seemed to break the flow of the story.

River'd had Inara download it for her off the Cortex the day after they'd headed back out. Kaylee'd taken to listenin' in when she could right away, it was such a romantic story. All tragic like and she couldn't help but picturin' Jane lookin' a bit like River an' Rochester lookin' like Jayne.

It had become a nightly habit, one by one they'd all drifted into listenin' to River readin' "Jane Eyre". Well, all of 'em but the Cap'n an' Simon. Though the Cap'n would pause now an' then when he passed through. Kaylee kinda suspected he listened out in the hallway some as well. First couple'a nights Mal'd told her to scoot an' get back ta what he was payin' her for, but once Book an' 'Nara had started listenin' in he'd quit doin' that. Then Wash an' Zoë started stickin' around for it too. It was nice an' homey all sittin' around like this.

Weren't like she had no place else to be, Simon had gotten all stiff an' proper again since they'd left. Every time she tried to kiss him he just sorta froze up on her. She knew why, River'd told her a couple days ago. It was a mite strange knowin' she could sense them havin' sex, but really, weren't much of a surprise an' all. Not like they hadn't known she was a reader. But Simon could be such a prude about things. She jus' wished he'd talk ta her about it.

An' River'd told her 'bout how Jayne blocked the rest of 'em out, so's it wasn't like they couldn't find times when they could be together without it bein' a problem. It was like he didn't wanna find ways around it at all. Jus' weren't fair, she'd finally got him and now he was driftin' away again. She sighed as she realized River had stopped reading for the night an' she'd been too wrapped up in thinkin' 'bout Simon to really enjoy it.

River came over while Jayne got her a glass of water. With a sympathetic look she sat down and put an arm around her, saying softly.

"He's such a boob."

Kaylee laughed at that, it was true. A big, exasperatin', confoundin' boob. Honestly, sometimes she wondered why she bothered with the man. But then he'd give her that look an' her insides got all fuzzy an' there she was all moony over him again. She felt herself sigh.

"Needs you...he's lost in the dark and you are his light..." River gave her shoulders a gentle squeeze as she fought back the tears stingin' her eyes.

"Wish he could tell me that." she said softly.

"Someday he will...he's learning..." River sounded so sure of it that she found herself believin' it. But then, she really wanted it to be true. River gave her a comfortin' smile before she got up to go start sayin' goodnight to Jayne.

It really was romantic how they were together, all sweet an' gentle. She'd'a never thought Jayne'd be like that. She knew they hadn't done nothin' yet, but every night they huddled together for a spell 'fore goin' off to their own rooms. It was 'bout the only time they wasn't together. It was gettin' so's it seemed unnatural to see them apart. She jus' couldn't get over how cute they was, sittin' in the mess most days, Jayne cleanin' his guns or sharpin' a knife, River sittin' nearby knittin'. Her first finished piece'd been a hat for Simon, looked a lot like Jayne's but in blues. Simon had been horrified, but he did try it on.

Giggling at the memory she got up. Might as well go say goodnight to him. Not that he was likely to notice. She knew the thought wasn't real charitable, knew deep down he really did care for her. But the past week'd been frustratin'. They'd been gettin' so close, an' now they was all stalled out an' she didn't know how to get through to him. An' sometimes a girl wanted the guy she loved to tell her that.

On an impulse she detoured past his room to grab the hat River had made. She found him in the infirmary, like she'd known she would. It'd been his sanctuary since him an' River got here. Her heart ached as she looked in at him, he looked so sad an' vulnerable standin' there goin' over River's charts, again.

"Simon," she hovered in the doorway, "you gonna try an' get some sleep soon?"

She worried so much 'bout him, he hadn't been sleepin' much at all lately. He barely glanced up as he gave a vague nod to her question. She moved into the room and sat herself on the examination chair. After a few minutes she realized she'd been twistin' the hat nervously and pulled it on so she'd stop playin' with it, didn't wanna ruin it. The thought that maybe wearin' Simon's hat would help her feel closer to him like it seemed ta help River driftin' through her mind as she curled up. She'd jus' lay here an' watch him for a bit before headin' to bed herself.

Her hand lifted languidly to brush back the hair ticklin' her cheek, absently wondered when her eyes'd closed. Only somethin' weren't right, wasn't hair her fingers brushed against, it was skin. As her eyes opened they focused on the crisp white shirt tucked into black pants in front of her. She heard Simon's chuckle as he tugged on somethin' on her head.

"It looks much cuter on you then me." he said and she remembered she'd put on his hat 'fore she fell asleep.

"I dunno," she smiled sleepily up at him, "I though it looked pretty swai on ya."

She stretched to get the stiffness out, he needed a more comfy exam chair. As she pulled herself into a sitting position he backed up to lean against the counter. Dang it, why'd she have'ta move. Now he was gettin' distantsy again.

"She tell you?" he asked, his head lowered so's he wouldn't have'ta look at her.

"Yea, she told me." well, least he might be ready to talk 'bout it. He sighed an' picked up the charts again, she could see the frustration on his face.

"I keep thinking, if I stare at these long enough, I'll be able to see what they did to her...and why," he tossed them back onto the counter and looked at her, "but I won't. They don't have the answers. Just clues, and I don't know enough to even know what most of the clues are, much less mean."

"And Jayne seems to help her more then I can, just by being Jayne," another deep sigh escaped him, "and as creepy and unsettling as that is, I can't help but be happy about it. She's happy, and more stable...almost normal. Probably as normal as she will ever be from what I can tell they did. She's never going to be the River I remember."

"Even the fact that it is Jayne she's bonding with is starting to make a perverse kind of sense." Kaylee worried a bit that his chuckle sounded a little maniacal. "There have been studies done on the Twin phenomenon, even the most skeptical Doctor's have come to agree that there seems to be some sort of psychic connection there. So Jayne is probably the only one on this ship that is already predisposed to having a psychic link with someone. The fact that he shows no other abilities also works in his favor. There is more then enough going on in River's head already, she doesn't need anyone that can pick up more."

He let out a harsh laugh. "Hell, for all I know even the fact that he's an ape is a factor, maybe she uses the extra space in his brain to dump her overflow."

"Ya ever think maybe your underestimatin' him?" she asked, a little bothered by his dismissal of anything remotely resembling a brain bein' in Jayne's head.

"Yes," he said slowly, "but he's less scary when I think of him as an ape." he looked up an' gave her that self-depriciatin' smile.

"And there is a feeling of relief," he continued, "knowing there is someone else to help care for her. And I feel guilty about that, even knowing it means if anything happens to me someone will be there for her. And there is not having to worry about him turning on her again."

"Again?" she watched as his expression went from distracted to dismayed. "What do ya mean...again?"

He stared back at her, then turned away before he answered, "It was back on Ariel...when the Fed's snatched us. I found out later, but I think River knew all along."

"Jayne turned ya in?" she knew she shouldn't be this shocked an' disappointed, but she was. She'd always thought Jayne was better'n he wanted them all ta think. Simon came over and sat next to her.

"It was a long time ago Bao bei," he said gently, "River had just cut him up with that knife. When I was patching him up he expressed concern for her doing it to you or Inara."

She knew he was tryin' ta make it better, knowin' Jayne it probably had been less 'bout worrin' 'bout her an' 'Nara an' more 'bout his own skin. She weren't that naive. Still, it was good ta know it had occurred ta him that the rest of 'em might be in danger too. She'd gone through her own period of not trustin' River. An' there was somethin' so bizarre 'bout Simon defendin' Jayne to her.

"So, does this mean ya don't mind Jayne bein' your brother then?" she stifled a giggle as Simon almost choked at the thought.

"You don't...really...think it'd come to that, do you?" he stuttered. An' then she was laughin'. His expression eased as he chuckled along.

"I know, I know...I'm such an easy mark." he gave her that quirky little smile of his an' she melted.

"But you don't think, I mean...they really wouldn't...would they?" oh great, now he weren't gonna be able to get that outta his head. She sighed.

"Ain't no worse then them bondin', sure I think it's possible they might...someday." she said, "Not thinkin' it'll happen right away."

"But...but that'd mean they'd be..." he obviously couldn't bring himself to say it.

"Havin' sex?" she said helpfully, he really was such a prude. "Prob'ly happen wether they get married or not."

"Oh, that helps." he replied dryly.

"Ain't happened yet," she reassured him, "so's there's no point worrin' on it."

"I'm her brother, I'm supposed to worry about it."

"If I was you I'd be more worried 'bout my own sex life." she told him matter of fact.

"As in, if I keep this up I am not going to have one?" he grinned at her, "I know, I need to stop obsessing on this. It's just that I've spent so long worrying about her that it is hard not too. And I always felt a little guilty spending time with you, and now she's...found someone. And I feel even more guilty because my first thought when it started to happen was that now I could spend even more time with you."

"I think that's the sweetest thing ya ever said ta me." she took his hand and beamed at him.

"Now that is a sorry comment on my communication abilities," he frowned at her, "Is that really the most romantic thing I have ever told you?"

"Well, one of 'em, yea." she thought on it a bit, "Ranks right up there with the being pretty 'specially when covered in engine grease one."

He groaned, "Oh dear Lord...I think I am very lucky there aren't more options on this ship for you."

"Wouldn't matter, ya got me hooked." she leaned over an' kissed him.

********************************

Wash stretched as he walked onto the bridge, hearing the satisfying pop of vertebrae. It had been a real good night, he could get used to this baby making thing. He froze in shock as his eyes fell on his dinosaurs.

"Wuo de ma." he rubbed his eyes and looked again, yep, they were all lined up wearing little tiny Jayne hats. "That girl just ain't right."

With a grin he checked the instruments then grabbed his two favorites, a T-Rex and a Stegosaurus. After a moment of checking out the hats he started making them do a little jig.

_"I'm a little coconut, lying on the cocoa ground, everybody steps on me, that is why I'm cracked you see...I'm a nut...I'm a nut...I'm crazy..."_

"That ya are," Mal drawled from the doorway, "how's my...what the..." he sputtered as he looked at the dinosaurs in horror. "She gonna make those for every damn thing on my boat?"

"Can't wait to see you in yours, Cap'n." Wash chuckled.

"Somehow, I don't think all your dino's having one is gonna save you none." Mal said smugly, "An' just wait till she starts working on our sweaters."

"She didn't do half bad making these," Wash said in her defense, "might be the sweaters won't be so bad. Maybe we should pick her up some different yarn though." he gave the hats a critical look, "Not so sure I want a pink sweater with green sleeves. Might want to look into getting her black yarn, lots and lots of black yarn...or a nice brown."

"Yea, I'll consider that." Mal gave the hats another look then shuddered and stalked off the bridge, passing Zoë with a nod.

"Consider what...whoa..." Zoë halted abruptly beside him.

"Getting River lots and lots of yarn in a nice neutral tone." Wash told her, "Before she takes it into her head to make us all sweaters."

She pulled the hat off his Velociraptor thoughtfully, "Or pastels, we could get her some nice pastels." her lips curled up in a little smile.

"Pastels might work," Wash grinned up at her, "it would relieve the need to tell the Captain we're trying to have a kid. Of course, if River started knitting baby clothes he would probably space Jayne before we could tell him they were for us."

"Somehow I doubt River would let the Captain do that." Zoë said dryly, "And if he was going to he would have done it by now."

"Yeah, would be a shame to see him spaced now that he's gotten almost human." he shook his head at the thought, "Who would have guessed. One almost human mercenary, just add crazy girl."

He let his fingers entwine with hers as she lay her hand on his shoulder. Enjoying her presence next to him.

"We should tell him Zoë," he said softly, breaking the long silence. "Before we succeed. He's going to need time to adjust to the idea."

"I know," she smiled down at him, "I'll talk to him soon, just want to enjoy trying for a bit before having to deal with Mal."

"Alright, and he has had a rather stressful time lately," he gave her hand a squeeze, "what with the whole Kaylee and Simon thing, and the him and Inara thing, and the River and Jayne thing. We really should let the man get his equilibrium back before we yank the rug out from under him again."

"You know, it really is rather amazing how she got them all to fit," Zoë said with a hint of wonder in her voice as she went back to examining the hats, "it's not like these things have normal shaped heads."

"Maybe she could teach you how," he said hopefully, "I promise if you knit me funny hats I will wear them."

"I know you will, dear," she patted his shoulder, "I'm going to go see what's for breakfast."

"See you in a few." he grinned up at her as she bent down to kiss his cheek, turning to watch her walk out of the cockpit. He wondered idly if it was wrong that he enjoyed watching her walk away from him so much. Of course, he also enjoyed watching her walk towards him. View was pretty amazing either way. After he checked to make sure the auto-pilot was keeping them on course and the proximity alert was set he followed her towards the mess.

"Yum, protean mush." he said as he slid into the chair next to Zoë. "My favorite."

He looked around, noting that Kaylee and Simon were the only ones not there. And River was looking at him expectantly.

"Dino's look mighty fine in their hats," he said with a grin, "They thank you."

She beamed at him and went back to what looked dangerously like an orange and blue hat. It wasn't just the combinations of colors that was so disturbing, it was the shades themselves. They just were not pretty colors to begin with and putting them together only made things worse. It wasn't really River's fault, they were all left over bits Jayne's Ma hadn't used up. Next port he was definitely going to make sure she got some better yarns. Things that blended. All joking about black aside he thought some jewel tones would be nice, maybe earthy colors.

"And pastels," she said softly, her eyes twinkled at him, "some pastels would be nice."

He glanced over at Mal and Book, glad the two of them were off by the other door. Jayne caught his eye with a smirk as Zoë agreed with River on the pastels.

"Any particular pastel you think we need more of?" he heard Zoë ask. He glanced back at River as she got a faraway look.

"Blue and pink." she said firmly after a moment, "Don't snort Jayne," her head tilted to the side as she gave him a sly smile, "your's are all pink."

Wash laughed at his panicked look. It made him feel a little better about the pink and blue implications that had Zoë smiling dreamily.

"Did I miss somethin' funny?" Mal asked as he came over, looking at Wash and Jayne's guiltily bowed heads and Zoë and River's matching serene smiles. Wash peeked up in time to see Mal's dumbfounded expression as Zoë answered.

"No sir, we were just discussing what color pastel yarn to get so River can teach me how to knit baby clothes."

So much for letting the poor man get his equilibrium back first.

********************************

Mal sat in the pilots chair, gazing out at the black. He always did his best thinkin' here. If the engine room was Serenity's heart then up here was her brain. An' right now he needed Serenity's help to figure out what had gone so horribly wrong this past month.

He'd been expecting Kaylee and Simon to happen, so that one wasn't so much an issue. He smiled, recallin' how happy Kaylee'd been when it'd happened. Past week had gotten a mite strained but he could hardly fault the Doc for that, he had more then a few issues with River sensing things she had no business sensin' his own self. Only thing he could fault the Doc on was not realizing it'd been going on. But he should'a figured that for himself, Simon never had gotten so's he accepted she was a reader an' he had. Though, judgin' by Kaylee's shiney disposition all day, he'd gotten over some of his troubles on his sister's abilities.

Now this whole Jayne an' River thing, on the other hand, had come outta the blue. Still not sure what all he made of that pairing. On the one hand it seemed like it'd turn into a real good thing. Seemed to bring both of his loose cannons a bit more into the fold. River gentled Jayne, which had both good and bad sides to it. He needed Jayne to have an edge, he also needed him loyal. He'd prefer it if that loyalty was to him. An' he just wasn't sure this thing with River was going to go that way, seemed more like to just make him loyal to her.

An' Jayne seemed to help keep River sane. Zoë had the right of that. Girl was more focused and articulate, question was, what would she do with that. 'Specially with Jayne at her side. He'd felt fair certain of River's loyalty to Serenity after the Jubal incident, but it had never been tested 'cept the once. If River felt Jayne was in danger, how would she react. If Jayne felt River was threatened how would that play out. Weren't even a matter of if he was the one causin' the threat, would they follow his orders if they felt the orders put the other in danger?

He needed Zoë at his back till these things were figured out. Only now it seemed even that was in question.

An' havin' little ones underfoot was gonna bring all manor of changes. Even the way she'd chosen to tell him her an' Wash were planning a family was a sign things were changin'. She hadn't found a private moment, she'd come right out in the middle of breakfast with near the whole crew there. When they'd talked, argued, 'bout it later she had told him she intended to stay, keep on doin' what she'd always done. An' might be that would be possible; but, during the pregnancy at least, she would have to take things easy.

Sure, Book had proved mighty handy in a pinch. But that wasn't as a replacement, that was as an addition. Lately they'd been needing more muscle then they had before an' that was not lookin' to change anytime soon. So he was still gonna be short a gun, even if it was just for a couple months.

He heard the light footsteps behind him, recognizing Inara's perfume. An' that was another thing he had some thinkin' to do on. She still hadn't said what she planned to do about her Companion status. Most of the week after their one night of weakness had been spent arguing about that, and the week since they left Liberty's moon had been spent dealing with River's unnatural insights on what they'd done that night. He forced his body to still as her hands moved to rest on his shoulders.

"It's beautiful out there." she said softly, "I never really paid it much attention the few times I've been up here. Normally I just gaze out from the shuttle window, but it is more open from this one. In the shuttle you can still see the side of Serenity so you know you are not alone. Up here it feels like you really are."

He'd never thought of her gazing out at the stars like he did, he'd always just assumed she was in there doin' companiony things. Like prettyin' herself or practicin' a musical instrument like Nandi said they did. Her fingers started massaging the knot in his neck.

"I heard back from the House Priestess earlier, they have accepted my request for a leave of absence." he turned to look at her in shock.

"Shumma?" he asked.

"You heard me, Mal," she replied with a smile, "we need time to figure out what is between us and where it will lead. I need to learn if I can find a place here that doesn't involve my acting as your Ambassador. I told you before that I don't know what I can offer the crew if I am not a Companion, and I won't stay just to be your girlfriend. I need a place of my own, a job, something I can contribute. This way we have time to figure these things out. Maybe it is weak of me to hold onto my Companion status while we are working on things, but I am not sure I am ready to cut that cord just yet. And right now it is all I have to offer Serenity."

"So, if you can find something else to contribute, you'd be willin' to give it up?" he asked, he had to be sure this is what she meant.

"If I can find something useful and things look...promising...to work out between us, then yes." she moved around in front of him, looking down into his eyes. "I would be willing to give it up."

He was awed, he knew he had no call to ask this much from her. It was more compromise then he had any right to hope for. She'd spent near her whole life training for this, yet she was willing to give it up on a chance of bein' with him.

"In the meantime," she continued, "we still have my "respectability" if we need it. I am hopeful we can learn to do without it."

"You could'a told me you were plannin' on doin' this." he knew he shouldn't be gettin' testy 'bout this, but if she'd told him they could'a avoided a whole lot of arguing.

"It wasn't your choice to make." she said firmly, "It was mine. And I only made it a few days ago. You had better be worth it Malcolm Reynolds."

"Is that a threat, Miss Serra?" he asked with a lopsided grin.

"They do say hell hath no fury like a woman scorned," she smiled back at him, "or in this case, a woman disappointed."

"Nothin' like a little pressure." he mumbled, startin' to think maybe he wasn't gettin' the good end of this deal after all.

"I have faith you will rise to the challenge." her voice dropped to a husky whisper as she slid onto his lap. "Now, since I will be unable to pull in my normal income I believe a renegotiating of my rental contract is in order."

"You're usin' those wiles on me again." he tried to keep his voice stern.

"Yes," she murmured between nibbles on his ear, "want me to stop?"

"No," his fingers tangling in her silky hair as he pulled back to look into her warm eyes, "not ever."

********************************

Knit, pearl...not going to feel caressing hands...knit, pearl...hear whispered words...knit, pearl...feel the pulse of desire...knit, pearl...throbbing through the ship...knit, pearl...not going to get sucked in...knit, pearl...to the whirlwind of passions...knit, pearl...rising and falling like tides around her...knit, pearl...not this time...knit, pearl...stay in control...knit, pearl...safe...knit, pearl...

Her hands stilled as his presence pushed the intruding waves of emotions back and allowed her own to rush to the shore. She had done it, had kept the others at bay till he could reach her. She smiled up at him.

"Should'a come an' gotten me." he growled down at her. She let the jumble of concern and annoyance fill her, she loved how grumpy he got when he felt she was in danger of being overwhelmed. Knew it was his way of dealing with the caring. It scared her a little, how hot his emotions would get if she was ever under a physical threat.

Not scared for her own sake, scared for whoever was at the receiving end of it and scared for Jayne. He had a slight tendency to not think so well when his anger ruled.

"Needed to know," she explained gently, "needed to know I could hold it at bay. You are not always going to be where I can get to you...you have a job to do and are not always here. Needed to know the bond was strong enough I didn't need you right beside me...that it has gotten strong enough to stretch without snapping. That I am strong enough to stretch without snapping."

He crouched down in front of her, one arm slinging over the arm of the chair, his other hand coming to rest on her knee. She felt the heat of him flow through the thin fabric of her dress.

"You need me to be strong, need me to be better," she reached out and caressed his cheek tenderly. "don't need a broken child. Need a whole woman. And I need to be strong, better, for myself...won't work if we are not equals. Not wrong to need the bond, not wrong to use it. It is a part of us, makes us who we are, separate and together. But it can not be all that defines us, not healthy."

"Ya sayin' we need ta back off?" he asked, his voice quietly anguished. She shook her head emphatically.

"No, can't go back," she smiled reassuringly at him, letting her hand rest on his. "not healthy either, have to move forward. I'm healing, the brain is learning to function without the missing parts...finding ways of doing what it should. Just saying if I never push it I will never be able to become what I need to be."

"The want, the need, to protect me is not wrong, Just as my want, need, of you is not wrong." she leaned forward to brush a light kiss across his forehead, "We simply need to be aware of the danger of suffocating each other."

He nodded, letting her words sink in before he spoke.

"So, guess this means we ain't havin' sex for a while." his attempt at humor doing little to hide the serious undercurrent.

"No, not yet...not ready yet..." she felt both of their frustration at that, even as she knew it was necessary.

"Well," he drew in a deep breath, his face settling into determined lines as if bracing himself for battle, "guess if both Mal and the Doc can keep their hands ta themselves for over a year, I can too."

She giggled at that, "Not as good at self-control as they are."

"Ya don't think I can?" he asked, hurt pride putting a challenge in his eyes. With an impish grin she casually let her foot slid down to his lap and between his legs, kneading him gently with her toes.

"Gorramit River, that ain't no kind'a fair." he jerked into a standing position, glaring down at her with anger and desire in his eyes. "An don't go actin' all sorry, I can tell ya ain't."

"Won't be a year..." she said softly, letting her head fall forward to hide her smirk.

"Better not be..." he muttered, shifting uncomfortably. He went on defensively after her giggle escaped. "Ain't so dumb I need another lesson in my self-control bein' lackin'. Think those two must have ice in their ruttin' veins. An' why is it I feel ya strongest when I want ya the most?"

His voice got soft and thoughtful on the last part. She looked deep into his eyes, considering.

"The state of desire heightens the senses..." she trailed off as she became aware he didn't really need the explanation. He stared down at her for a long moment.

"Another reason not ta be havin' the sex yet?" he asked ruefully, "Jus' gonna make this stronger, ain't it?"

She nodded. He watched her silently for another moment, then bent down to scoop her up. Turning, he settled down on the chair with her on his lap. She felt her cheeks flush as he grinned down at her, knowing he'd picked up the flutters in her stomach at his actions. With a wicked little smirk she fidgeted to get more comfortable, laughing as his eyes darkened again.

"Playin' with fire, little girl." he said huskily.

She twisted her fingers in the collar of his shirt and pulled him close for a kiss.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Delta Rain  
> Album: Prince Of The Deep Water  
> Lyrics and music by William Topley
> 
> Thunder’s up and the real live wires are talking  
> Set me straight as the rain falls on New Orleans  
> Silver bells ring for treaties made by starlight  
> For Southern girls and their faces lit by fire-flies  
> And through the gutters there will be water  
> Running wilder than the sea and as the rain comes down  
> A thousand circles fade like you and me  
> They call us lovers because our bony legs are tied  
> Once more to seed, but there ain’t nothing I won’t risk  
> To set this bird of love fly free  
> Shake your hair out and come and dance with me  
> We are lonely with no good need to be  
> Where the river grows wide to kiss the sea  
> Floods the delta and lovers’ eyes can see  
> Tonight is hot and there’s no wind from the ocean  
> I hear the drums as they bang across the water  
> Voodoo bells ring for treaties made by starlight  
> Forgotten gold and greed and fear at midnight  
> And through the gutters there will be water  
> Running wilder than the sea and as the rain comes down  
> A thousand circles fade like you and me  
> They call us lovers because our bony legs are tied  
> Once more to seed, but there ain’t nothing I won’t risk  
> To set this bird of love fly free  
> Shake your hair out and come and dance with me  
> We are lonely with no good need to be  
> Where the river grows wide to kiss the sea  
> Floods the delta and lovers’ eyes can see  
> Do you remember how we held each other tight in sorrow  
> Does it haunt you still?  
> And in a single raindrop I can see all our tomorrows  
> Baby, can’t you too?  
> Shake your hair out and come and dance with me  
> We are lonely with no good need to be  
> Where the river grows wide to kiss the sea  
> Floods the delta and lovers’ eyes can see
> 
> © 1990 BMG Music Publishing Ltd. adm. By Careers Music, Inc. (BMI) All rights reserved.  
> 

**Author's Note:**

> Chapter formating and posting date taken from the Livejournal posting, summery taken from the fanfiction.net one.
> 
> FYI, I started posting it on fanfiction.net on Mar 19, 2004, finished it on Apr 10, 2004 and it came in at 15 chapters.
> 
> Posted it to livejournal in 3 pieces since you can't do chapters there, but you can see where the original breaks were.


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